


JUST A GAME

by MichaelMcM



Category: Hailee steinfeld - Fandom, Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band), Shawn Mendes (Musician), Shawn Mendes - Fandom, niall horan - Fandom
Genre: Drinking, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Guilt, Hurt, M/M, Mind Games, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Retaliation, Sex, Shame, physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23622718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMcM/pseuds/MichaelMcM
Summary: Harry styles watches Shawn Mendes perform and wonders if he and Niall are a thing? If they are he wants Niall back and will do whatever it takes make it happen.* This is a fictional story, Harry Styles , Shawn Mendes and Niall Horan are still 3 sweet lads that probably couldn't hurt a flea but I wanted to put them in situations where they all have been hurt emotionally and how such pain can cause people to act outside their norm
Relationships: Niall Horan/Shawn Mendes, Shawn Mendes/Harry Styles
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. The Meeting

He sat watching the kid perform. Scruitinizing, searching for something to critique. But if he was honest, the boy was magnetic; tall, muscular and that voice, that fucking voice. Jesus Harry hated him.

He didn't like this side of himself, the jealousy, the pettiness. He tried to suppress it, he knew it was silly. They had never met, not really and the fact was it was Harry that ended things with Niall. But still, He hated everything about Shawn Mendes, well more what he was to Niall....But what was he to Niall? That question constantly weighed on his mind.

Again, Eyeing the boy on stage, his insides burned. Because he saw what Niall saw. The kid had talent, Grammy nominations, and he was beautiful. But what crossed the line was that fucking album, instinctively he knew those songs that spoke of longing, love and heartache were about Niall, his Niall. 

Harry sat waiting for the show to end, He knew this was the night that they would finally come face to face. He made sure he knew what after party Shawn would be attending. 

Making his way to the club Harry was inundated by fans waiting outside and other artists inside, they all looked up to him, but that wasn't why he was there this night. He made sure to dress the part of the icon he had become. He knew he held a power and wanted the boy to know. He also knew that Shawn had idolized him and the other members of 1D and even came to one of his shows. 

He made a point of having Nick Jonas and Shawn's name spoken in that now famous skit he did on Saturday Night Live. He even mispronounced his name on purpose and wanted the boy to feel uncomfortable, that he knew the rumours of them. But Shawn only responded on twitter by saying thats how his name is pronounced from now on because Harry said so. 

He couldn't be that nice Harry thought, you dont get that famous without a bit of damage along the way. 

Harry wanted a different response, it was self deprecating and non-chalant and all too perfect. He wanted more, he wanted shawn to retaliate, but he didnt. Maybe the kid was smarter than he'd given him credit. 

His mind drifted, It had been a couple of years since he broke Nialls heart. Harry wanted more and was so young. But the interveining years only brought a serious of brief relationships that didnt live up to the Irishman. But he had a plan to change that, even if Niall refused to take his calls.

And Harry had studied the YouTube videos of Niall and Shawn. They were just so fucking obvious, flirting in the open, sitting at the AMAs and staring at each other like they were in love, That one interview where they looked like they would kiss and all the Instagram posts of them hanging out. 

Harry shook the memories off, made his way to the bar, ordered a double Vodka and lemonade. He looked around the club until he spotted him. Hard not to, He was taller than most and the hair was a dead giveaway. Harry studied him, He was pretty, too pretty, it was off putting and he was always smiling, what the fuck was he always smiling about? Jesus Harry wanted to wipe that smile off his face. Harry stood their watching just waiting for it to all start.

Harry had it all planned, The empty VIP room ready and waiting, Now the waiter he had paid to deliver Shawn a message was on time and walked over and handed the note. He saw Shawn smile and read the note. Harry wondered what exactly was going through the boys mind. But then he saw Shawn look around the bar and find the door. Once Shawn entered Harry made his way quietly behind making sure to be as silent as possible. 

Shawn found his way into the room, it was dimly lit, he could make out some leather club chairs, an expensive looking pool table and a small bar in the corner. He closed the door and tentatively walked to the middle of the room. He coughed out "Harry?". No response. Again he called out his name .

"Hello Shawn". Harry's tone was intimidating as he closed the door behind him, Shawn quickly turned to the voice, a small look of fright etched on his face. Harry's eyes scanned the boy up and down and could just make out his unease and then locked the door for dramatic effect.

Shawn stood still, confused, His mind unsure exactly what was happening, but his senses registered something, he couldn't quite define. But tried to push it out of his head.

"Hi Harry...Nice to finally meet you". Shawn spoke anxiously, hands sweating. 

Harry took a long drink from his Vodka, keeping his gaze on Shawn, ignoring his greeting on purpose. 

Instead Harry examined shawn then questioned."Want a drink?" Not really caring If he did. 

Shawn bashfully looked at Harry and then quickly glanced at the locked door, his mind seemingly trying to make a decision. 

Harry immediately picked up the debate going on in the kids mind. He smirked "Come on Shawnie, have a drink with me" and then without waiting for an answer walked over to the bar and proceeded to fix Shawn a drink. "Double Rye and Ginger, right? ". Shawn's body immediately tensed hearing that, his favourite drink. Shawn cautiously nodded." Yes". Harry, obvious pleased with himself then walked back, grabbed the younger boys arm and forcefully placed the drink in his hand. Shawn stood still, considering what was happening. 

Shawn was apprehensive, He now knew Harry was playing a game but didn't know what game. Harry knew his favourite drink and the Nickname Niall called him. Shawn kept his composure, looked at Harry, searching his eyes, trying to read the Englishman. He willed himself to remain calm .

"Thank you!" Shawn nervously stuttered.

Harry said nothing, he just stared. Shawn felt like a target but still couldn't workout what this was about.Taking a drink, Shawn studied Harry, realising that he needed to figure out why Harry Styles was fucking with him. 

"I seem to be at a disadvantage, You know my drink of choice, i assume it wasn't a guess? And "Shawnie" A nickname that only one person ever calls me" 

Shawn punctuated the last statement thinking it would illicit some kind of reaction. He was right, he saw the tiny blink in Harry's eyes when he said it. Shawn had his answer, this was about Niall. Alarm bells were now going off and he thought he should to leave.

Harry forced a smile, hoping it masked the jab the kid just landed. Ok he thought, not as dumb as he figured. 

"Well Shawn, knowledge is power, and I like to take an interest in other artists, especially ones that are "Friends" with my friends". Harry cooed brightly then sat in one of the club chairs before Shawn could respond. Harry could sense Shawn's energy, he was a nervous boy, but now knew not to underestimate him.

"Please sit down, I've wanted to meet you for so long, Niall was always so fond of you, like a little puppy". Harry expressed thick with sarcasm .

"Fuck" Shawn mumbled under his breath. His mind kept telling him this wouldn't end well, but sat anyway.

With the tension building, Shawn thought he could either let Harry string him along or he could cut through the pretense and get to the point.

Shawn took another drink of his Rye for courage and lowered his voice so it sounded direct and to the point "What do you want from me Harry ?"

Harry laughed, Surprised by the boy, He figured out the game early. He didnt think he had it in him. Harry actually liked it. The kid didn't like or take bullshit.

But Harry wanted to push his buttons a little more "Oh Shawnie, Whatever are you on about ?"

Shawn hated the way he said it, Mocking him with that Nickname, only Niall got to call him that or did when they were together. He started to clench his fists.

Harry could see the anger building in the boy. He wondered how far he could push him before he did something or broke into pieces.

Shawn was tired of this, He had enough, Niall had already screwed with his head and now Harry. He forced himself to clear his mind, And he sat silently and just smiled. He knew Harry wanted a fight but he wouldn't give it to him. Shawn thought back how Niall fucked with his emotions, Strung him along, Breaking his heart, Telling him they needed to end their relationship, He was just a fuck to Naill. And now Harry was here ripping at his wound as some kind of joke. They were cruel, But why ? Shawns mind was analysing, what was Harry fishing for ? Shawn realised Harry didn't really know what his and Niall's relationship was or had been, but he seemed to want to goad him into something. 

Harry was surprised by Shawn's composure, He was now smiling softly, beautifully. He missed something, Shawn seemed more relaxed. What was happening ?

Shawn placed the drink on the table and decided. "If he wants to play games, Then let's play."

Shawn was young but not naive, he leaned early on what most people in this industry thought when they looked at him. Nothing more than a than object, a thing to be used for their pleasure. He wasn't immune to record executives and other men in power who tried to get him alone, some giving him alcohol, others just grabbed at his body like it was their right and the desperate ones who offered him money to perform sex acts like he was a whore. He had escaped relatively unscathed, but still scars were left and he learned quickly how too read a room for the predators versus the ones who just wanted a quick fuck. He recognized a look in Harry when he first saw him by the door. Harry had contemplated his body a bit too long, and definitely shot a look at his groin. Shawn smirked, knowing if he wanted too he could have Harry any way he wanted. Thats when the idea came, He knew what he'd do now. 

"Mind if I get another drink?" Shawn calmly questioned. 

"Be my guest Shawnie" Harry gleefully declared, making sure to enunciate his nickname. 

Rising slowly, Shawn made sure to keep his eyes on Harry, communicating with his body everything thing was good, just sit and relax. When he was sure Harry was ok with his movement, He walked quietly behind his chair instead of the bar. Bending down, He got close and pressed his body tightly against Harry, Shawn then placed his mouth to Harry's ear and stretched his other arm around his shoulder. Harry didn't move as he's was trying to look unaffected and in control. He could smell the sweet cologne coming off the boy, and feel the warmth of his breath. Harry was mildly excited by his boldness. But he couldn't figure out exactly what was happening.

Shawn grinned and then started his game. He looked at Harry and then gently whispered deep into Harry's ear. 

"Harry.....Do you ever wonder if Niall and I fuck?". Shawn detected a flinch and it pushed him on. 

"Hmm or maybe you wonder if I fuck him when your music is playing ?" 

Harry felt his stomach turn but refused to react to Shawn's taunts. He was still in control and would not give him the satisfaction. Shawn slowly moved to his other ear and decided to give the final blows. 

"Do you want to know how I suck his thick uncut cock ?". Shawn was in full attack mode and saw Harry's facade starting to give way. Shawn lowered his voice to a husky whisper. " Oh ...How do I know his cock is thick and uncut ...Maybe that's your question?". 

Shawn could barely contain his joy and knew that his next statement would hit Harry the hardest. Only someone who was intimate with Niall would know this information. So Shawn licked his lips and went for the jugular. 

"Maybe you're really wondering if I lick the birth mark on the left side off his ass? ". Shawn saw it immediately, The outrage on Harry's face, He got the reaction he wanted. 

Harry jumped from the chair and shot Shawn a hate filled stare. He couldn't believe the gaul of this kid.

"Is that the game were playing Harry ?" Shawn spat out triumphantly. 

There was rage in Harry's eyes, He was now seething, He under estimated him. Harry wanted to be the one to make him feel small, like nothing and that Niall would never stop loving him. Now Harry's mind was a racing to salvage his plan. "Fuck you Shawn" 

Shawn recognized the confusion in Harry, He didnt know what Harry knew about him and Niall. However, he caught on quickly and decided to make him painfully aware, but would keep it a secret that it ended awhile ago because Niall wasn't over Harry. His game had just begun.

Shawn naively thought Harry wanted to meet him, be friends, artist to artist. But now understood Harry wanted to hurt him too. Shawn's anger now pulsated through his body but he maintained control as not to alert Harry. His only thought now was to make them both to pay for the pain they put him through. 

Shawn was delighted by the look on Harry's face and laughed. This act caught Harry off guard. It echoed in the room. Harry froze as Shawn moved toward him with a dark look in his eye.

"You want to feel what Niall feels ?" Shawn questioned.

"What?" Surprise in Harry's voice. .

Shawn roughly grabed him and forced a kiss, Harry struggled to get out of his grip and pushed at Shawn. But the boy was stronger than he thought. His body was massive and it engulfed Harry, pinning his arms. He felt Shawn's tongue violently push into his mouth, Harry's body reacted to the excitement. Harry tried to break from the kid but his body and mind seemed to want different things. Harry continued to fight but his mind wanted to kiss back, it was dangerous and exciting and he like the way Shawn forced himself on him. Harry stopped fighting and gave in to the boy. He kissed back and felt the heat from Shawn's sculpted body. As he pressed up against Shawn, He feltl his cock harden against the Canadians thigh. His breathing became laboured and he couldn't believe how excited he got. They tore at each until he felt Shawn push off. He looked longingly at Shawn, wanting it to continue. Shawn smiled and wondered. "You like that ?

"Umm yeh " Harry whispered quietly.

Shawn smiled slyly ."Good, turn around".

Harry's mind was confused, What was he doing?, But he slowly turned as ordered and then felt Shawn's hand on the back of his head and was pushed forcefully up against the wall. Shawn then connected his heaving body to Harry's and Harry felt the kids fully erect cock pushing against his ass. Harry's body reacted and now ached for the kid to use him. He breathed out "Fuck me?"

"Oh, you're such a dirty boy, Aren't you Harry?" Shawn kicked Harry's legs apart. Then reached around and unbuckled his belt and forcibly pulled his trousers and underwear down.

"Tell me what you want me to do again ?" Shawn demanded into his ear, while grinding his hips into Harry's bare ass.

"Fuck me Shawn". Harry moaned out.

"That's what I thought you wanted." shawn uttered with glee as he moved away from Harry.

Harry was unsure what was happening, He turned and saw Shawn with his phone pointed at him. A menacing smirk etched on his face. Harry then realised he was recording. "Hey Harry, Say hi to Niall ?" Shawn remarked with joy. 

Harry quickly pulled up his trousers and looked at Shawn "What the fuck was that?"

Shawn clicked his phone, walked to the door, unlocked it and shot Harry a contemptible stare and then taunted "Just a game".


	2. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn needs to decide what to do with the video he taped of Harry. Will he send it to Niall, will he allow the seed of rage he has burning inside grow or will he push it down and be the good boy everyone expects.
> 
> ****** Hope you like this chapter .....I'm still not sure how the next one will play out. I'm a bit torn on what I think should happen and what I think are best for the Characters as they are written so far....we will see !

Settling into the waiting SUV shawn could feel his skin pulsate. He wasnt sure of the emotion, all he knew was his head was spinning and he kept thinking. "what have I just done" That's when he noticed his hands shaking....had he really just left Harry Styles with his pants down at the Grammy after party implying he would send Niall the video he took of Harry wanting Shawn to fuck him ? His mind was all a jumble and he breathed out "Jesus". 

He couldn't believe how he behaved. But he knew why, he was angry, but it was so far removed from who he was as a person or thought he was. He could feel his face flush, he was ashamed by this recognition.

But then a contemplative smirk formed on his face, he thought "I outsmarted both of them. Harry tried to screw with me, mistaking my kindness for naivety". Shawn revelled in this thought and quietly whispered "People always underestimate me. But look where I am, one of the biggest pop stars on the planet, Grammy nominated singer songwriter with 3 number one Albums."

Shawns thoughts wandered to Niall. His smile dissipated and heartbreak engulfed him. He was still struggling with their ending. They started out as friends, great friends and Shawn tried to support Niall through the pain of Harry. He knew Niall continued to struggle with feelings for his former bandmate so he tried not to get too emotionally involved with Niall. But he couldn't help it, Niall was always so kind and full of praise for him. And then the day came he realised his feelings for Niall couldn't be denied any longer. But still he kept them locked inside, he knew Niall was a trap. 

But nights out with him always ended with too much alcohol and when Niall drank he became needy and touchy. And shawn never stood a chance when Niall directed all his focus at him. The obvious sexual innuendo was sometimes too much for Shawn, Not only did their friends comment but now fans could see it and made Shawn feel like a target. 

Shawn always made sure to leave when those nights became too much. But there was one too many of those nights and one too many drinks and eventually he lost focus. And that's how he finally ended pushed up against Nialls living wall with the Irishmans eyes undressing him while his hands explored his body. Eventually he gave up the fight and his lips succumbed to Nialls kiss. 

He wasnt strong enough emotionally to fight his feelings for Niall and He new eventually Niall would win. He also knew Niall still wanted Harry and that he was just a distraction. And it killed him a little bit everytime they fucked. Shawn always felt dirty and ashamed afterwards, not because of the sex but because he didnt respect himself enough to demand more.

"Fuck you Niall" he seethed.  
"You took advantage of my feelings knowing you could never return them, you just wanted to fuck". The tears now escaped his eyes, he was determined he would make him pay too for what he did. "You want to see your precious Harry Styles, I'll show you him, what he is".

Shawn returned his attention to his phone and hit play. He was transfixed, not by the content but the way he was detached and calculating in the video. He saw the need for revenge in his eyes. He quickly turned it off, hoping he could erase what he just witnessed. But it was now burned into his memory.

He fought an internal battle as he didnt want to be that person, petty and small but the video illustrated how easily he could dismiss his moral principles. Nausea took control and he wanted to be sick. His breathing became shallow and his mouth started to water. He wanted out of the SUV. He pressed the button to the glass divider and demanded.

"Stop and let me out, please".

The driver protested.  
"We aren't close to your hotel Mr. Mendes". 

"I dont care, please stop" Shawn pleaded.

The driver pulled over as soon as there was a break in traffic and Shawn quickly opened the door and jumped out. He was trying to regulate his breathing as he felt panic overtake him.

The driver looked on concerned and asked.  
"Are you ok ?"

Shawn gave a quick nod and said " thank you, yes , just a little car sick, everything will be fine, I'll make my way to the hotel from here".

As the driver pulled away shawn steadied himself and regained control after a few moments. He wiped the sweat from his brow and looked around hoping no one noticed. He felt people could see it written on his face, what kind of person he was, how damaged he was. 

He moved to an area less populated and took in his surroundings. He had been in NYC many times, but never alone this late at night and not knowing exactly where he was. He looked down at his clothes, laughing at the state of himself. He was styled and dressed for the Grammys which seemed so outta place for this area. He looked at a street signs. He recognized he was in the west village and figured it was too far to walk to his hotel which was the St. Regis on 5th ave. and 55th street. 

God how he wished he was home in Toronto. Looking at his watch it read 1:17 am and he was hungry, he was always hungry. Bars would be in full swing which meant he could pop into a pizza joint and get a slice with minimal bother. Walking north west for about 10 minutes he stumbled upon Joe's Pizza on 3rd Avenue and 14th street. 

He was actually enjoying the walk, he was glad no one recognized him or cared who he was. It was nice in these times when he could walk unnoticed, they were becoming fewer and fewer. He was able to quickly enter and get a slice and a bottle of water and exit. He continued North while devouring the pizza, he wished he had gotten 2 slices. Then his phone started to ping. Looking he saw messages from an unknown number.

He was confused as he was always meticulous with contacts. All were labelled and he never gave out his personal phone number without attaching a contact name. He opened the 3 message and read.

"Shawn, this is HS pls dont show that video to NH."

"Can we talk ?"

"Pls"

Shawn read the desperation in the texts. He wondered who gave him his number. Harry would have had to get it from someone that knew them both well. People in this industry wouldn't just hand out another musicians number without knowing both artists.

He was trying to think who could fit that description. Their only real link was Niall. But Naill was not on speaking terms with Harry, that he knew anyway. Shawn made it clear to Niall the day they ended to forget his number and never contact him again. He shook his head, it definitely couldn't be Niall. But who would Harry ask ? 

Shawn had a thought, he searched his contact list looking for it. There it was  
"Liam Payne". Shawn like Liam, he was kind to him, they met a couple years ago in Germany and occasionally kept in contact, inquiring how the other was doing. Liam reached out to him when "In my blood came out". Just as he was contemplating it could be Liam his phone pinged again and it was from Liam. Shawn laughed and read the text.

Liam: "Shawn, mate, Liam here, just wanted to let you know that Harry asked for your number and I gave it to him without thinking and figured I should let you know, hope it's not a bother?"

Shawn quickly responded 

"Np Liam, all good , how are things with you and Bear ?"

Liam: "Yeh, alls good mate , sorry again tho".

Shawn: "Its good, glad to hear all is well with u and the fam".

Liam: "Take care Shawn"

Shawn: " 🙂 "

Shawn looked again at Harry's texts. He figured he could wait to respond, he owed him nothing. By now Shawn was seconding guessing everything. Did he have it in him to send the video. The father away he was from the nights events the clearer his mind was becoming. Could he actually do this, send Niall the video. 

The person he was earlier in the night was not someone he particularly liked. Logically he knew everyone had it in them to be cruel, do unsavory things but he always prided himself on being kind and good. He worked so hard on that reputation and often was told as much from other artists, radio DJs and interviewers. They all commented on how sweet and likeable he was. 

But then his mind focused on how Harry and Niall purposely set out to hurt him. And he wasnt sure he could let that go or wanted too.

He shook the feeling off and needed to think. He needed to get to his hotel, He opened his phone again and clicked the Uber app and clicked. 

15 minutes later he was in the elevator to his hotel suite. Alone, standing in the elevator he watched his reflection in the mirrored walls. He looked different, knowing he wasn't that person he wanted to be. He turned away after a few seconds not wanting to witness the guilt on his face. He pushed those feelings deep and entered his suite.

Turning on the hall light he stopped and scanned the 2 bedroom suite. It was by any standard breathtaking, decorated in camel and soft blue. The lights of the NYC skyline flickered in from the french doors of the spacious balcony. 

He felt nothing, he didnt care for such extravagance. He wasnt a house guy, a car guy or a clothes guy. The only thing he really spent money on was guitars. But this one luxury would never make a dent in his bank account. He wasn't even sure how much money he had, he knew logically it was in the 10s of Millions, but he didnt care. 

He walked in and opened the bar and grabbed a beer. He sat in the well appointed living room on an over stuffed Berber chair. The hall light barely casting any light on him. He took a long drink of the beer and let out a quiet sigh. He sat still, his mind taunting him that he may be Rich and talented, but he was alone, so very lonely. He then tilted the bottle until all its contents were drunk. Maybe tomorrow would be better he hoped.

Shawn woke to the stillness of his hotel suite. He wiped at his eyes then pushed his hand through his hair. He stared at the ceiling thinking of last nights events and wondering how it got to this point. He wanted to let it go but that seed of hate that purculated within him wouldn't be denied. This time he couldn't let it go and just accept how he was treated. He sat up surveyed his hotel suite then meticulously pulled the covers off and reached for his phone.

It had been a couple weeks since that Night at the Grammys and Shawn was back in L.A.

The plan he devised was machiavellian and he was ashamed at how easily his mind was able to plot it out. It was created so thoroughly and with such detchment that it scared him a little. But it didnt stop him, his hate had only grown and he now planned to put it all in motion.

Walking over to his kitchen island he grabbed his phone and searched his contacts. He began typing.

"Harry, Sorry for not responding, what I did was wrong and I wanted to apologise. I was upset, it's not an excuse". 

He sent it. A couple seconds later he saw the blue dots appear. He smiled knowing the trap was being set. He looked at his response. 

HS: "Hi, thanks for responding. I want to apologise too, what I did was wrong and behaved badly."

SM"I didnt send it, I couldn't, it's not me. I've deleted it, you need not worry".

HS: "Thank You".

SM: "I was hoping we coukd actually meet sometime, I have information about Niall."

Shawn thought that his reputation would definitely come in handy in this situation  
Harry should feel at ease, thinking there is no ulterior motive. And then he saw it, Harry response.

HS: Sure, but I'm in LA at the moment. Not sure when you hoped to meet.

SM: "I just happen to be in LA as well for the next few days". Are u busy Friday night I'm staying at the Ace hotel. Might be best not to be seen in public.

HS: "I have an event in the afternoon but after 7 pm I would be free".

Shawn knew exactly where Harry was and where Niall would be. This was not a coincidence. He was looking at Harry's schedule as the text was coming in. It only took a few discrete phone calls to figure out their schedules, professional courtesy and all.

SM: "That would be great, could we say around at 8 pm, I l'll send my room details in a bit.

HS "NP, thank you again"

Shawn now directed his focus to Niall. He thought long and hard about the plan and what would hurt the most. He cared nothing for Harry, he was inconsequential. But knew Niall well, he was rarely bothered by things and emotionally strong. However he did have one week point, an Achilles heel if you will and also knew that if he did this it would break Niall. And doing so also meant Shawn would have to do something that he found distasteful and would also make him question who he thought he was. He tapped his hand on th counter and realised he was biting the inside of lower lip. He pushed the second thoughts out of his head and allowed the rage he had surface and then sighed. He decided he was willing to go through all of this just to witness Nialls reaction. He wanted to see his face and how he would respond.

One last text was needed to assure the plan was set in motion. Shawn looked at the name in the contact. He thought for a second " She will hate me for this." That thought saddened him, he was fond Hailee steinfeld, they were friends. But he realised there would be collateral damage. 

"Hey Hailee its Shawn is everything set for Friday ?"

"Hi Shawn, all good Niall has no idea, but he'll go wherever I tell him. Lol, I'll have him there by 9 pm"

"You're the best , see you then"

As he placed the phone back on the counter he felt nothing. No sense of joy but no sadness or guilt. He looked around the Airbnb, he rented it whenever in Los Angeles. It was chic and beautiful, almost sterile. It was entirely different than his actual home in Toronto. He loved his Condo, it was bright and comfortable and modest. It brought him joy. He wondered why he rented this place, he'd stayed here so many times but felt no connection to it. Took no joy when he returned from recording sessions. The place was like Los Angeles, on the surface perfect, but if you looked close enough you realised it was lacking a soul. He decided never to rent this place again as he headed out the door.

Shawn was focused the last couple of days. Eating well, sleeping well, working out and meticulously planning the details of tonight's events. He picked out the perfect hotel suite and had it rented for the last 2 days. He knew what food and champagne he'd order from room service all with Harry styles in mind. He had his outfit all prepared, to make sure it highlighted his best features. The colour picked to bring our the glow of his skin, the fit to accentuate his body. Harry would be unable to refuse, even if he tried to fight Shawn knew he'd give in, everyone did when Shawn decided he wanted someone. But it will be after he fucks Harry the real show would begin.


	3. The Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stage has been set, there is no turning back now even if Shawn wanted too. Though his morals are starting to seep through Shawn is determined to fight against them. His only goal is to witness Naill and see the destruction he plans to invoke.

Shawn entered his hotel suite, knowing tonight would be the night that his plan would finally play out. Breathing heavily from the work out he just completed, he inhaled deeply trying to cool down. Taking off his sweat stained tank top and shorts, he stood naked, ignoring his own state of undress his mind focused on Niall Horan. He wanted the night to come quicker, he wanted to witness Nialls reaction after the scene he had painstakingly planned.

Shaking this thought from his mind he realised he was standing naked in the middle of the room. He turned and caught his reflection in the full length mirror that hung in the hallway. He gazed upon his body, admiring the lines of his lean muscle and the added bulk from the last year of weight training. 

Then his head instinctively angled up and he met his own eyes. He immediately looked away, still not accustomed to his dark feelings of revenge , but then quickly turned back as he wanted to stare, daring himself to look, knowing he was actually witnessing himself become someone he didn't like. Someone that could inflict hurt.

He walked closer to the mirror keeping his gaze. His mind was waging a war. He knew what he planned to do was vile and loathsome. And if this was 6 months earlier he wouldn't have even thought such a thing. But the pain he suffered from Niall wouldn't be denied, and it only grew loke w cancer, especially after his run in with Harry.

But guilt still ate at him occasionally, he knew right from wrong, but he didn't want to be good any longer, he didn't want to just sit by and take what was done to him. He tore himself away and headed to shower, hoping to wash the confusion away.

Standing under the rain head he just let the water cascade over his naked body. Trying to clear his mind, he started to sing, it often helped his mood and he hoped he could regain some perspective. As he began scrubbing his body he realised the song he was singing was not his. But the lyrics he sung was affecting him. But he couldn't place the song. He shook his head but the same lyrics came again.

"My mind is complicated  
Find it hard to rearrange it  
But I'll have to find a way somehow

Overreacting lately  
Find it hard to say I'm sorry  
But I'll make it up to you somehow".

The tears started and it all came back. He knew the song, it was that song Naill sent him after they broke up. "Still" from Heartbreak Weather. His thoughts wandered to when Niall tried to send it after that night, the night when they ended. First by audio recording over text. But he angrily texted back telling Niall to keep his fucking music to himself. Then a week or so later he had recieved a FedEx parcel with no name, but inside was a CD with a single song. When he played the CD his living room echoed with Nialls voice. He only played the first verse and violently tore at the CD and broke it in half. But those initial lyrics made a home in his head. 

Quickly stepping out of the shower he wrapped a towel around his waist. Making his way into the living room he grabbed his phone and opened spotify. He found the song and played it. He stood still except for his shaking hands. Finally listening to it in full for the first time. He read the lyrics as they were burst from his phone

"Did I miscalculate this?  
Let's just go back to basics  
Forget about what's come and gone

'Cause I hate to see us like this  
Breaking up on nights just like this

We should be shooting for them stars of gold

So tell me you want it  
A thousand miles away from the day that we started  
But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest  
If honesty means telling you the truth

Then I guess we lost our focus  
And it's killing me that we could go to war like this"

He wouldn't let Niall get in his head, he knew that it was just words, it made a good song. "No" Shawn screamed out.  
"You don't get to pretend, I was there, you don't get to have my forgiveness".

His mind was faltering, it was having second thoughts. "FUCK" He screamed. He kept telling himself they deserve this, both of them. Dont be so niave, you can do this. He made his way to the bar and poured a shot of whisky. It continued and after his 3rd one he felt it, that wave of calmness that overtook his body. It relaxed his mind and pushed out the second thoughts. He knew the alcohol would give him the courage to continue, it often allowed him to take risks he wouldn't normally. He used it more often than he'd like to admit. He could be the Shawn Mendes everyone expected instead of the nervous anxious Shawn he knew he truly was.

Making his way to the bedroom he dried off and then began the ritual of dressing. He pulled on blue pants, the material tightly stretching over his muscled thighs and highlighting his thick ass. He zipped the pants then grabbed his crotch and cupped his cock. He smirked as he watched this action in the mirror. He was just beyond tipsy now, in that place where he felt invincible but still in control. He placed his St. Christopher necklace around his neck and watched it neastle in his chest hair. Finally Reaching for the the white tshirt that seemed tailor made to highlight every muscle he had cultivated over the past few years. Standing there, that shy kid from Canada was no where to be seen. He smiled and stated. "Yeah, id fuck me".

He walked back over to the bar and took one last shoot, he wasn't sure if it was for courage or to numb himself to the act he was about to perform. Looking at his watch it read 7:43 pm. Harry would be here soon. He walkwd over to the phone and ordered room service. He slightly lowered the brightness of the lights, then turned on the music, picking a subtle guitar CD that was a nod to Harry's favourite, classic rock to play in the background. The curtains were all closed except for the ones that led out to the spacious balcony. The night sky shone brightly with stars that added just the right amount of atmosphere to the suite. Looking around Shawn felt as though he was playing a chess game. One last thing, he walked over to the bedroom door and opened it making sure the king size bed was visible. "Perfect" he thought. 

His phone pinged at the exact moment their was a knock at the door. Looking at the text he read it was from Harry .

"I've just arrived in the lobby" 

Shawn sent off a quick response 

"Suite 1804 ....top floor, door is open."

Then Shawn hurried to his door and let in the room service.

"Hello Mr. Mendes, where would you like it placed "

"Next to the bar, please"

Shawn then handed the server $100 and thanked him.

Shawn poured 2 glasses of champagne. He then reached for his phone and sent off 1 more text.  
"Hey Hailee, everything set, ill leave the door open for you , make sure you send Niall through the bedroom first "

Immediately Shawn saw the blue dots appear.

"Hi Shawn , all set, At Nialls now, he's getting dressed , we will be their promptly at 9 pm, its amazing you're throwing him a surprise party on his new album" 

Then he heard the door handle twist and knew Harry was standing behind him. He turned to look at his pawn. 

In his most innocent Candian boy act he said "Hi Harry , thanks for coming, I poured you a champagne, I didn't know if you'd want one , but you don't need to have it if you don't want". Knowing he would, it would be rude not too.

Harry smiled slightly

"Of course" he grabbed it "thank you that's very kind"

"Gotcha" shawn thought to himself.

"Please Come in" shawn insisted.

Harry walked into the living room, shawn sensed hesitation. Shawn immediately went into his act. Knowing timing was everything. 

"You were surprised to hear from me Harry"

Harry nodded. Still deciding what all this was.

Shawn pointed to the food and said "Ive order food if youre hungry, I often eat late at night, you know the life of us musicians". Shawn was pleased with himself, that's right he thought lull him in with a shared experience. 

Harrys body seemed to relax more. Mirroring Shawns calm gentelness. 

"Harry" Shawn spoke gently, almost like a little boy "I want to apologise for my behaviour that night, I was awful, what I said and what I did was" his voice trailed off for effect. Shawn willed himself to tear up abit.

Harry immediately saw the emotion coming from Shawn and he in turn said.

"Im sorry too, what I was doing was terrible "

Shawn moved a little closer to Harry and gave the most innocent smile. 

"I guess we were both a bit crazy that night " Shawn breathed out.

"Harry, I just wanted you to understand why I did it. I was so emotionally confused"

Harry quickly interjected by saying " its OK Shawn you don't really need to explain "

"No really, its important you know that that person wasn't me....the truth is that Niall and I were in a relationship for 6 months and nobody knew but us, but he broke it off" Shawn looked down at the floor contemplating, giving the impression of emotional hurt.

Harry looked at the boy in front of him, realising he really was still a boy, he may be built like a man but right here, right now he seemed so vulnerable and sad. 

"Its OK Shawn, we both did things that I guess were not proud of, and I know what it's like to lose Niall"

Shawn looked up and into his eyes. 

"Yes, I guess we do. He told me about you two, he said he had never told anyone before, and I thought when you wanted to meet it was to be friends, because we experienced the same with Niall."

The room was silent and shawn continued. 

"But I realised you seemed to be interrogating me, and I thought maybe Niall had told you about me and that you were mocking my pain at losing Niall"

Shawn looked away again, not wanting to meet Harry's gaze as the emotion of that statement was real and he didn't want to Share that with him, it was only his. 

"I lashed out at you Harry and I'm truly sorry, after I left i felt awful, I went back to my hotel and cried, I hated myself that night"

Harry shook his head. 

"Shawn please im the one who should apologise, I still had feelings for Niall and i guessed you and Niall had a thing, you two werent very skilled at keeping it secret, and maybe I wanted to hurt you"

shawn smiled shyly, knowingly and took a drink of his champagne. He needed more courage to finish what he started.

"Harry , were both such a bloody mess, maybe Naill should be apologising to us" 

Shawn cracked a little smile at his joke which caused Harry to chuckle. Harry then relaxed and drank his champagne.

"I'm glad you came Harry, this was really at eating me, Umm, and another thing, gosh this is embarrassing" Shawn stammered.

Harry looked concerned and asked "What is it shawn"

"Umm, well the kiss and the other stuff, ummm I guess maybe that's another reason I might have invited you over" Shawn blushed and quicky finished the rest of his alcohol.

Harry watched Shawn finish the glass of champagne like it was a safety crutch. And he just stood still as shawn then stared him in the eyes.

"Yeah, sorry about that" Harry stated.

"No, I mean no, I don't accept you apology, I mean no, I umm, liked it and was wondering...." Shawn didn't finish the sentence , leaving it hang in the air implying something indecent but in the most gentle way. 

Harry arched his eyebrow, shawn then decided now was the time to exude confidence. He looked Harry directly in the eye and they kept contact, both staring, both contemplating.

Shawns mind told him now was the perfect time. He slowly moved forward, Harry reminded still, Shawn could sense it, the other mans desire. This time he wouldnt lunge, he gently closed the space between them and kissed him. He wanted it to be sensual, but as he was kissing Harry it felt wrong. This is how he kissed Niall, this is how he kissed someone he likes. He moved away, needing to change gears, he looked at Harry and then whisperd.

"Sorry if I'm being to forward"

Harry said " No, think nothing of it, I think I like forward"

Shawn smiled "Right, good to know".

Shawn decided if he was going to do ths it had to be more rough and not how he would be with Niall. This time he took more control and grabbed Harry and both boys attacked each other out of animal instinct. They clawed at each other, Shawn slid his hand to the front of Harry's crotch grabbing his growing cock and squeezing.

"You like that" shawn whisperd out "

"Fuck yeah" Harry responded.

Shawn then pushed his hands into Harrys hair, pulled it with some force and spat out.  
"Im going to fuck you now"

Harry grabbed shawn back and kissed him hard. Shawn began unbuttoning Harrys shirt then demanded .

"Get in the bedroom" .

Harry pulled away and began walking to the open bedroom and was taking off his clothes as he went. Shawn just watched the scene unfold in front of him. He knew he physically could fuck him, but also knew the emotional aspect of this would break part of him. So, he walked over to the bar and grabbed the bottle of whisky and started drinking numbing the part of him that was still decent. 

Shawn walked into the bedroom and eyed Harry naked on the bed, Shawn placed the alcohol on the drawer, he undressed and closed the bedroom door. The last thing he did was look at his watch. 8:25 pm. Niall and Hailee would be waking unannounced into the bedroom at 9pm.


	4. The destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn has set the scene perfectly. Finally, he will come face to face with Naill by using Harry Styles. He will make him pay, he'll make them both pay. He doesn't care if he looses himself in the process, he has nothing left anyway since Niall broke him.

Shawn slowly removed his watch and placed it on the dresser, standing in just his blue clavin klein briefs he looked at Harry as he grabbed the waist band of his underwear and thought this is it. He closed his eyes ever so quickly and stripped out of them. He wondered what Harry was thinking, what he thought of his body ? Was he impressed? He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. His discomfort hidden under the fake smile. He then let out the breath he was holding and tossed them on the floor. 

He skin formed goosebumps, he felt exposed and if he was honest ashamed. He was naked except for his St. Christopher necklace which he instinctively rubbed between his fingers, a habit he employed to alleviate felling uncomfortable. He thought for a second, should he take it off ? Thinking what he was doing or about to do would offend God. He looked down and smoothed the medallion to his chest with his right hand and as an act of contrition, in his head he begged for forgiveness. He realised at this very moment the person he was now disgusted him. He breathed out with a sadness he couldn't quite contain. He tried to submerge his feelings and looked up again. He had come too far, there was no turning back. 

"Are you going to turn off the lights" Harry wondered.

Shawn reached for the bottle of whiskey, took a quick drink and then and said. 

"I want to keep it on, I want to see every part of you". He lied, but It was getting easy to lie he thought, to go to that place where he could use someone. It scared him too, that he was capable of just turning it on like a light switch. He needed to focus. He swallowed and forced himself to move close to the edge of the bed, until he was standing over a layed out Harry styles. He needed to know, his mind wouldn't subside until he asked the former One Directioner.

"You like what you see."

Harry looked up and reached out his hand.

"Yeah, so sexy"

Shawn blushed under the acknowlegement, he would never admit it but he wanted be to adored. He wanted to be desired for the way he looked. Then let slip.

"Better than Niall ?".

He was losing it, he wasn't sticking to the plan. As soon as it came out he knew he shouldn't of said it. He saw Harrys face tense and go still.

Shawn immediately reacted and stuttered out.

"Sorry Harry that was the wrong thing to say, forgive me".

Fuck Shawn thought, his ego and the alcohol was making him confused, he couldn't control the thoughts in his head from being expressed. His mind was now at war with his body. 

Shawn tried to push those feelings down and decided he needed to go on the offensive. He quickly reached for Harrys head and stroked his hair, he felt Harry relax under his touch. Shawn felt the power he held and gripped him tighter and directed Harrys toward his now hardening cock. It was easier if he saw his opponent as an object and not a person. 

"He's nothing to me" Shawn kept repeating to himself. He needed to do what he planned and not deviate. He focused on power and control. Surprisingly it made him hard. Intially he thought he would just look away and think of something else to get through this, but this new found knowledge pushed him on.

Shawn then felt Harrys soft lips touch the tip of his uncut cock. The Englishmans tongue began licking his thick shaft. Harry began to stroke it in a firm motion. Shawn could feel the relase of precum escape. He was now getting lost, giving away control. He had to concentrate more, he was still in charge. He needed to regain perspective. He didnt want to take pleasure in this but his body was now rhe enemy. 

Keep focus he kept telling himself. But at that exact moment Harry engulfed as much of his cock as he could and began sucking up and down. 

Shawn watched as this act intensified but his mind started to falter. He kept hearing the words "No" and it became louder and louder. He felt like he was floating outside of his body, watching himself.  
This wasn't him and then panic brought him back into the reality of it all. Alarm bells were now going off in his head. "No, please, I don't want this". He didnt want to do this anymore, his mind just kept picturing Naill, his beautiful Niall and It wasn't right. He felt his anxiety peak and reached out and pushed Harry off his cock. He lost his balance and fell backwards onto the carpeted floor.

Harry quickly looked at shawn and saw distress on the young Canadians face. He appeared physically upset and lost somehow, like he wasnt in the same reality.

"Shawn are you all right, you dont look good "

Shawn heard his voice but it was all muffled. The sounds in his head were too loud now. He could feel his body start to shake as the thoughts took over. They got louder and all he heard in his head was "You're a disgusting piece of shit, this is why Niall didn't want you, no one wants you, why would they want you" 

He felt something, his arm, it was being touched and he looked up to see Harry kneeling over him. Shawn just looked at him blankly, he couldn't get words out. 

"Shawn are you OK ?"

"Shawn !" 

Shawn continued to stare, he was unsure if he could speak, but he was starting to focus on his surroundings. 

Shawn nodded and then looked around the room. He was confused, then the reality hit him. It all came rushing back, where he was, what he was doing. Then he felt himself being physically picked up. He realised Harry was helping him to the bed. And felt Harry lay him back on a pillow to rest.

"No" he yelled out, obviously panicked 

"What do you mean, you're not all right " Harry questioned 

"No what I'm doing is wrong, you've got to go". Shawn tried yo explain.

"I'm not going to leave you like this Shawn, let me help you"

"Please, You dont understand "

Shawn could feel Harry hover over him. And that's when he realised their were other voices now. He shot a look in the direction of the sounds. His eyes locked on those blue eyes. The room echoed in silence for a brief moment when everyone took in the scence, like a painting. 

Shawn involuntarily jumped up needing to explain, nit caring he was naked. Out of his periphery he saw Harry recoil and cover himself. And heard Harry ask.

"Niall, what are you doing here ?".

Shawn kept his eyes focused on Niall. Then noticed Haillee brush past the quiet Irishman and quickly enter his line of sight and swung her hand back slapped him as hard as she could. He felt the sting of the hit but remained still staring at Niall, not once looking at Haille. Knowing he deserved it and so much more.

"You fucker" she spat out.  
She was about to go for another hit when Niall grabbed her. 

"Don't Hailee", Please, just go, ill talk to you later"

"But Niall, he set this all up, he asked me to bring you here as a surprise, he wanted you to see this"

"I know" Niall said calmly.

"Come with me" she begged.

"I'll catch up in a bit honey, I think its time Shawn, Harry and I talk."

Hailee calmed down a bit, but realised Harry was standing in the corner with his head down.  
She walked over and leered at him.

"And you Styles, always the centre of drama, grow the fuck up. He's over you, you know". 

And with that she returned to Niall and kissed him gently on the cheek, brushed his hair away from his forehead and smiled, concern etched on her face, then whispered.

"Will you be alright ?"

Niall looked her deep in the eyes and nodded, then gently kissed her cheek.

As she walked out of the bedroom, she yelled without looking behind her.

"Put your clothes on Mendes, we get it, you got a big dick".

As Haille left, Harry hurriedy dressed, but shawn stayed watching Niall, they stood that way, not moving. Shawn couln't read him, he was quiet, no emotion displayed on his face. Then shawn saw it, a tiny tear formed in his eye. Niall then broke away from their glance and looked around the room and walked over to the closet and took the white bathrobe out and walked over to Shawn and held the sleeves open. Shawn silently turned and put his arms through, knowing this was an intimate act, showing care. He tied it and turned back. No words were said and he watched Niall quietly walk out to the livingroom. 

He had his reaction, but it didnt being him joy, in fact he had never witnessed such destruction and it was made worse knowing he caused it intentionally. 

He scanned Harry who glanced back at him with what could only be described as surprise, now aware of the full extent of Shawn's plan. Shawn wanted to say something, apologise maybe but he knew words were meaningless now. So he turned and walked toward the livingroom.

Before Shawn got there he felt a hand on his shoulder and was spun around. All he heard was 

"You piece of shit " 

before he felt the hit. Harry had punched him in the jaw and the shot sent him falling backwards to the ground. Shawn wasn't surprised or stunned. He laughed a little and thought to himself "Good for you Harry". He was now in pain but felt no desire to retaliate. He was now sober, which made the reality of it all more sad. 

Harry jumped past him, shawn slowly got up and massaged his jaw then entered the livingroom too. His mind was actually clear now, he wasn't panicked, he knew he'd lost. Hailee would never forgive him, but he expected no less, she was a spitfire and he adored her. 

As for Harry, Shawn no longer hated him or wished him Harm. He understood him, Harry still loved Niall or what he thought was love. But Shawn saw it in Nialls eyes, Niall wasnt in love with Harry any longer. He knew it when Niall only focused on him through this entire nightmare. Which what it was, but he knew there was no waking up from it. He knew Niall's pain was caused by his actions, not Harry's. It was almost like Niall expected something like this from Harry, but never thought Shawn would do this, so it hurt more.

Shawn stood back and watched Harry try and convince Niall that he had no part in this.

"Niall, let's talk this out mate" harry expressed with concern in his voice.

"Harry, there's no need, everythings okay. Niall shot back

"As long as you know this was all Shawn, I had nothing to do with it" Harry said with contempt 

Niall smirked. "Except for the whole being naked in his bed thing"

Harry countered with "But nothing happened Niall, I want you to know I still think of you and think maybe we can make it work"

Niall softened his expression and in a calm voice outlined.

"Harry, i spent so much time pining after you and maybe a year ago you could of convinced me to take that offer, but things are different now".  
He quickly shot a glance at Shawn. Harry noticed the stolen look with Shawn.

"Nothing happen i swear" Harry now pleaded 

"Whatever happened is none of my business, you forget we haven't been a thing for 4 years, but Harry be honest, maybe you just like the idea of us" 

Harry shook his head. 

"No Niall we really had something" 

"Exactly, had something, past tense. Harry i will always cherish what we had, but I can't go back, I'm a different person"

Harry's face became distorted and he glared at Shawn and said.

"Its him isn't it ? Look what he did, how could you like that?" 

Niall turned to Shawn who just met his gaze, Niall turned back to Harry, then walked over to him and gave him a quick hug. 

"Please go now Harry, Shawn and I need to end this war". 

Harry pushed out of the embrace and seemed confused and angry.

"Whatever Niall, He'll never be what I was to you". Then he stormed out of the hotel suite.

Niall watched as Harry left, without turning to face Shawn he stated. 

"That's two hard hits to your face tonight !"

"I was expecting three."   
Shawn joked as he made his way to one of the plush chairs. He sat and watched Niall walk over to the chair opposite him and sit. It had been too long since they sat together. Shawn thought about those times, when they were just friends hanging out. He missed them, ached for them really. How did it get to this point he thought ?

Niall turned and chuckled at Shawns attempt at a joke, then soberly asked.

"That innocent Canadian boy I once knew seems to have disappeared" 

Shawn averted his eyes, stung by his words, he contemplated, then looked up and answered.

"He was never as Innocent as you thought....if it makes any difference Harry was being honest with you, he had nothing to do with this, and we didn't have sex, not really."

Niall grinned vaguely, almost amused. 

"It doesn't.... He would have, but you backed out of your plan at some point...what stopped you Shawn ?"

Shawn answered defiantly "Nothing stopped me, you just came in too soon". Wanting Niall to hate him. Like he hated himself.

"Shawnie, you dont need to lie, I saw it on your face when you stood, and i see it now. You're not that good of an actor."

Shawn held back the emotion that wanted to escape. What was Niall doing, trying to prove.

"You give me too much credit Horan, i'm not as nice as you think. I planned all this, I wanted to see your face knowing I fucked him, your precious Harry"

Niall winced at that remark, his eyes lowered slightly. Shawn hit a nerve and was unsure why he said it.

Niall looked up again and with unease in his voice , knowing the answer but questioned.

"What have we done to you Shawn ? what has this industry put you through, you had to grow up so fast, see and experience things you shouldn't of"

Shawn felt those words hit him like a ton of bricks. Shawn let his shoulders fall in despair, he was tired, so very tired of everything. He begged

"Do something, yell at me, hit me, tell me you hate me, please, anything" but dont be nice to me, i don't think I'd survive that".

"Shawn. Look at me please" Niall begged, saddened by Shawns words

Shawn did and they both sat, observing one another, not talking, two wounded young men, boys really.

"Im sorry Shawnie for what I did" Niall announced with tears now forming in his eyes.

Shawn looked on in surprise, the apology making him feel smaller than he already felt.

"But" Shawn tried to interject.

"Let me finish Shawn, please" his Irish accent more pronounced as his emotions were heightened.

"The thing is...The truth is, I was scared of you, the feelings I had for you".

Niall rubbed his head, trying to find the right words. 

"I thought I loved Harry, and in some ways I did, in my own way...but, I used him as an excuse not to get close to anyone, because the breakup hurt so much. I was young, But then you pushed your way into my life and I'd never met anyone like you, always so kind and gentle and you never wanted anything from me....And I didn't want to love you, but I never stood a chance.... overtime Harry drifted from my memory ".

"But" Shawn tried to speak 

"Please Shawnie, I need to say this" Niall requested.

Shawn quietly nodded.

"I didnt want to have feelings for you, i didnt want you to have to experience what i felt ...as you were the same age as me when Harry and I...But you were everywhere, In my my dreams, on TV and at my house, all the while being...well you. The harder I tried to ignore you, the more you permeated everything. I relaised after awhile we were on a collision course and nothing would have stopped it....and it meant everything to me, I loved you Shawn". He stuttered " No....the truth is, I love you Shawn.

"No". Shawn shrieked. "You dont get to lie, you never loved me....you threw me away, like I was nothing".

Shawn's anger pulsated and he quickly shot up and moved so he now towered over Niall, his size and stance now threatening.

Niall softly examined the boy standing before him and calmly stood and did something that stunned Shawn. Niall hugged him and as soon as his arms wrapped completely around him Shawn broke. He couldn't control his tears and relaised he was hugging Naill back. But the joy of the moment was short, something in him snapped and he pushed away from Niall. Venom now spewed from Shawns voice.

"This is a trick, you and Harry tried fucking with me, but I figured you out". 

He stared with contempt at Niall, who looked back but remained composed.

"Shawn, when we finally got together I was so happy, too happy and that scared the shit   
out of me, and I didn't want you to end up hurting me the way Harry did, I didnt think I could survive you leaving me"

Nialls voice lowered to a whisper now, he hung his head avoiding looking Shawn in the eyes and quietly said.

"So....I pushed you away and left you first, but I was wrong and tried contacting you to explain, but by that time you wouldn't talk to me anymore. You built a wall around yourself and I couldn't manage to break through it, so I stopped trying, figuring I did too much damage. "

Shawn slummped in the Chair, dumbfounded, his mind was racing, so many thoughts were spinning in his head.

"You didn't believe in us Niall, you didn't even give me a chance. You just threw me away". His voice so defeated that Naill truly understood the destruction he caused.

Naill, still standing in the same place, not meeting shawn eyes, slowly spoke.

"You're right, I was selfish, I wanted to run so far away from you because that's how much I loved you and it scared me" turning to meet Shawn's gaze . "And it still scares me".

"Still" Shawn spoke...."Even now after all I did, What I've done, What I've become". The hurt in Shawns voice echoed in the room.

"This is not you Shawnie, you didn't know how to deal with thses emotions, you're still so young, I should have waited, given you more time to grow, but I was selfish and wanted you, all of you , forgive me please".

Shawn stood now, his eyes stained with all the emotion of the night. "Oh Niall, we ruined everything"

Niall didnt respond, he didnt know how.

Shawn walked to Niall and placed his hand to the side of Nialls face. Leaning into it Niall closed his eyes and smiled briefly. He then heard Shawn whisper

"Niall, I don't know how to stop loving you, it hurts so much"

"I know sweetheat". Niall answered. 

And then turned into Shawn, wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders thinking if he let go he would die. Quietly, and ever so gently they met each others stare then kissed, hoping the pain of the last year would disappear. When they finally separated Niall reached up his hand and wiped the tears from Shawn's cheek and whispered." Still my beautiful Shawnie".

"Always" shawn breathed out.

"Will we be alright Niall" Shawn asked desperately.

Searching Shawns face, Niall gave a broken smile, not really knowing the answer, but knew the emotional damage that was caused would take time. But he reached out and tenderly touched Shawns cheek, then Niall kissed Shawn softly and said. "I hope so"


	5. The Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn Meets Haillee to try and fix what he did that night. But is unsure she will be willing to get past it. Sitting there waiting for her he realsises that he slowly falling apart even though he has everything he ever wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a one chapter story and now find myself on chapter 5 ...maybe chapter 6 will be the conclusion.

He keeps glancing nervously at the restaurants patio door then looks away, his leg bouncing uncontrollably. Putting his hand on his knee trying his best to gain control. He's always been a nervous person, but confrontation has always been a personal hell.

6 months has passed since he and Niall started to rebuilt their relationship from that awful night. And though he knows it will take more time, Nialls his guy, he's always known. 

There's one small problem, well maybe not so small, Haillee Steinfeld, she witnessed the destruction of that night and has since refused to even entertain the thought of talking to him. In fact she was not too pleased with Niall that he and Shawn were, well now Niall and Shawn.

He didn't blame her, what he did was unforgivable, and he's not sure he could if the shoe was on the other foot. She got a front row seat to his vileness, how low he could go. He memorized the disgust on her face and felt her rage when she hit him. Secretly he wished she would have kept on hitting him, its what he deserved.

She was protecting Niall from the monster that he was. Thinking of it now brings out the shame, it's still there, and when he's alone and left with his own thoughts his mind settles on it, Deep down he questions why Niall loves him. And Niall does love him, he knows it. But he can't escape the hate he has for himself.

He and Niall have talked about it and agreed to put it in the past, but he lies when Niall asks if he's okay. He doesn't want Niall to feel bad.

But Naill knows Shawn hasn't forgiven himself. And Naill knows if Shawn doesn't speaks about his feelings he will sink deep into himself, which is not good for him or his mental health. But, Shawn stays quiet and buries it.

He's good at burying things, since the age of 15 when he became famous, the fame terrifies him. Its odd, when he thought of being a singer he didn't realise he'd be so well known, adored and hated. 

When it did come, it hit him like a truck. No one teaches you how to act or behave when people say and write things about you, awful things, untrue things. Or when your left alone with people in power that want something else, who make comments on how you look, touch you places they shouldn't or suggest other things they say could help your carrer.

So, he just keeps the pain to himself. He was often alone in new countries with adults going about the business of Shawn Mendes but they didn't really ask him how he was or how he was feeling. And because he was so young he thought it ungrateful to say anything. He was taught to be polite, so he just smiled and did the best he could and tried to avoid attention. But when his fame grew to where he could not go outside without being followed he withdrew into his music and built bigger walls. But they are starting to crumble.

For all the attention and  
light that surrounds him, there is a sadness under the surface. Niall recognised it the first time he met Shawn and now 5 years later, its better hidden, but Niall senses it when Shawn is quiet and lost in thought. Its a quick look registered on his face that he can't seem to mask, Niall wonders where he goes, what he feels in those times. He tried to get him to open up once but Shawn just deflected and outlined he was fine. Nialls come to hate that word, "Fine". 

Niall entered their music room once when he was playing a haunting piece on the piano. Shawn didnt notice him. So, Niall stood silently just to admire him and his artistry. Shawn seemed lost in the piano, but it looked like he wasnt aware that he was playing and tears were forming in his eyes. He looked up quickly, sensing Niall and locked eyes and Niall tried to give a comforting smile but it was broken, he knew he didnt know how to help Shawn. 

And he knows that Niall knows, which kills him. He promises himself that he will forgive himself one day, ask for help to deal with the feelings he has pushed down, but he never does and instead locks them away for when he is alone. But its getting harder and harder to keep hidden. 

He shakes off the thoughts and checks again and this time he sees her breeze into the cafe and walk towards the pretty patio where he's sitting, waiting, wanting to run, but he doesn't, he just clumsily stands when she comes into view. And she slows her gait when she recognises him.

There's an unspoken tension when their eyes meet. He watches as she quickly turns to take in who else is in the cafe, like she finds it distasteful to be seen with him. He lowers his head briefly, feeling the guilt. He puts on his practiced smile but it doesn't reach his eyes, the cracks in his veneer are starting to show. 

When she arrives at the table there is an initial moment where he reaches to pull out her chair but shes aware of his intentions and grabs it first and quickly sits. Letting him know this will not be easy.

Hailee hates this, but agreed to do it for Niall, he's special to her. She looks at Shawn ready to not like him, but truth be told that's a lie. She's always had affection for Shawn, hes one of the kindest people she's ever met, so his betrayal was all the more awful.

But she had listened to Niall as he had fully explained the entirety of the situation and felt a deep sadness for what Shawn was put through. She even chastised Niall for the way he broke up with Shawn, telling the poor kid that he still liked Harry so Shawn wouldn't think there was hope. Jesus, she thought Niall still has a thing or two to learn about relationships and people's feelings.

The thing was, she found it hard to fully forgive him. What he did, how he planned it. For her, it was what he was willing to do for revenge. He would use someone who meant something to Niall. And he was willing to debase his own body and have sex with Harry just so he could break Niall. He wanted Niall to see it all. 

But she also recognised that his pain must have been so deep. It was in those times when she softened. Which led to this day, all these months later, when they finally planned meet, to hopefully mend what they could.

"Thank you for agreeing to me me Haillee, I know Niall most likely forced you, but I'm glade nonetheless" shawn sweetly uttered.

Haillee pursed he lips and uttered matter of factly.

"No one forces me to do anything I don't want "

Shawn internalised the tone, knowing it was said with venom. 

Shawn looked away stung by her rebuke and whispered.

"Sorry I didn't mean to offend you, I'm very bad with these types of things , sorry again" 

"Fuck" she thought, It felt like she just kicked a harmless puppy. She looked softer at shawn, hoping to ease his obvious discomfort. 

"Shawn there's no need to apologise and could you look at me please "

He raised his head, looking defeated. "Sorry, I sometimes look away when I'm...." He didn't finish the sentence, he wasn't sure if she cared to hear his explanation so he just stopped.

Haillee intially wanted to make him feel uncomfortable and not make this too easy, but she realised that there was nothing she could do that he already hasn't done to himself.

"Oh Shawn, I came here with the purpose of...i don't know, protecting Niall or asking how you could do such a thing, but sitting here now, in front of you I see that you've been harder on yourself than I ever could"

The words pierced him and he tried to stave off the emotion but it began to well up. He tried to look away but Haille reached out for his arm and he again looked at her.

"Jesus sweetheart are you ok"

He nodded "Im ok ". Another lie he thought. Hailee just gazed into him. He recognised her pity.

"I'm good, really, I have Niall and he loves me again...and I'm so very sorry for that night, I was awful and I used you and I know you hate me ."

He then became still and his tone quieter, he was barely audible and whispered.

"You dont know how much I hate myself"

Hailee just gave a warm smile but she could see underneath it all he was drowning.

"Oh Shawn, does Niall know how you feel"

"I..I" Shawn stuttered out

Hailee squeezed Shawns hand with concern, realising her question threw him for a loop then outlined " Is Niall loving you is enough" 

He thought he had been hiding his emotions from everyone. But now knew people could see through him and that he was barley hanging on. Though he had the love of Niall and that was amazing, it didn't stop him from not liking himself.

"Shawn can I give you some advice, I sense that maybe you need to talk to someone, to deal with whatever it is you're feeling, if not for yourself, do it for Niall". She said it because she knew he may not do it for himself but would for Niall.

Trying to look less defeated he attempted a smile, but quietly looked away . 

"I .... I dont think im good enough for Niall". 

"Oh shawn please try and talk to someone" 

He nodded in agreement and wiped a small tear away. 

"Please forgive me Hailee...for what I did".

She reached up and touched his arm, trying to comfort him.

"Let's put it in the past, where it belongs ".


	6. The Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawns gone missing and Niall sets out to find his boy. If he finds him will they be able to return to normal ? Or will Shawns emotional struggle be too difficult to overcome.

Landing at Toronto's Pearson Airport, Niall reached for his phone. Turing it on anxiously hoping to see a text or missed call. Shawn still hasn't responded to any of his messages and it has been 3 days.

"Fuck Shawn I need to know you're alright" he quietly breathed out. 

Niall kept playing the scene over and over in his head the entire flight. 

"I think I need to go home Niall, I can't breathe here ...I ....just need to feel safe".

The words stung Niall, he thought he was Shawn's home and that he felt safe with him. Although he had watched him slide deeper and deeper the last few weeks. And the drinking was getting out of control. But when Shawn just disappeared one night with no warning, Niall got scared. He kept thinking.

"What does this mean for us".

He needed to find the boy, show him that he loved him, needed him and would take care of him. 

But Shawn wasnt answering his phone and he couldn't get any information out of Shawns team. He didnt even know if Shawn was in Toronto and didn't want to scare his parents so he felt it best not to call them. But Aaliyah would help, she was Shawns protecter and she had a soft spot for Niall because she knew he was good for Shawn.

Leaving the baggage claim he scanned the waiting area, there she was, it was surprising how similar she looked to him. The same easy smile, caring eyes and there was a gentleness to her that mirrored Shawns. It always startled him when he looked at her. When she finally noticed him she waved discreetly and smiled, not just with her mouth but her whole face, it was uncanny how similar it was to Shawns expression. Making his way he reached out and hugged her.

"Hi Niall how was your flight"

She said as she returned the hug. Like shawn, she embraced his whole body, there was no tension or unease, Niall was lost for a second in the familiar touch. Shaking off the comparison he seperated and looked at Aaliyah.

"I dont know really, I could only think of Shawn, its driving me crazy".

"Yeh, he has that effect on people, but don't worry, I know where he is"

"He's not at your parents  
house ". Niall asked surprised.

"Good god no, he hasn't told them he's here, there would be too many questions, and Shawn likes to bottle everything up, so not to bother anyone"

"Sounds like him" Niall acknowleged.

Aaliyah smiled and grabbed his bag, "follow me"

Niall registered a look of shock at how easily she picked up the big piece of luggage, she caught his expression.

"Hockey Niall, i maybe a girl but I'm a Canadian girl, don't fuck with us" she laughed as she continued on her way out of the airport. He just followed until they got to the parking lot.

He noticed the black jeep immediately, Shawns wrangler, and again she caught his confusion.

"A gift to his one and only sister"

"Oh, I didnt know" Niall smiled.

After settling in she turned the car on looked at Niall and asked "Ready ?"

"For what ?". Niall was curious.

"Oh Niall, don't you know ? I assume he doesn't know you're here and he doesn't know that I know he's here, and my older brother is not too fond of surprises, you must know by now he likes control, everything orderly and in its place, so this little reunion may be..." .

She didn't finish her sentence, she just briefly turned to Niall and rubbed his knee and said.

"Dont worry though, I'm here and he would never do anything to upset me" 

"Fuck" Niall breathed out, uncertain of how this would go but needing to make sure he was ok.

"So wait, where're we headed then ?" 

Aalyiah turned and held up a key. 

"His condo of course, silly, outside of our parents house its the only place he truly feels at home. Haven't you ever wondered why one of the biggest pop stars on the planet doesn't own a home in LA, NYC or London ?"

Niall had often questioned why Shawn didn't move to LA, he spent most of his time there working, recoding, and doing press.

"I just figured that hadn't found the right place". Niall answered.

"He'll never find the right place Niall, he doesn't feel totally comfortable in America. its like someone calling you British" 

Niall shot Aaliyah "How dare you" stare .

She laughed "Exactly" he's no more American than you are British. 

"Where do you feel most yourself ?" She asked 

Nialls eyes widened and he finally got it, he had always figure Canadian and American are basically the same.

"Right, I didnt even think about that" 

"He'll always come back here Niall, whenever there is an issue or difficulty, just know he'll always come back, his people are here."

"Got it now"

After the 35 minute drive along the 401 highway and the the Toronto waterfront Aaliyah pulled up to his condo.

Niall looked up and could see the penthouse.

"He's here " Aaliyah stated matter of factly without looking up. 

"Lets go" She breathed.

"Shouldn't I go Alone" Niall questioned.

"Niall the key will open his door, but you won't get past the security and concierge without them Alerting Shawn. Even though you're Niall Horan, it means nothing to them, on the other hand, the man at the front desk is named Mark and knows me, I can easily walk anywhere, even when he's not here. Shawn made sure of that, I have access to anything I please. So let's go". Getting out of the jeep She grabbed Nialls bag. Niall looked for a second lowered his head . 

"What if he doesn't want me to stay"

Aliyah stopped and turned to Niall and looked questioning.

"Jesus men are stupid...listen to me, my brother is stubborn and at times pigheaded but he also loves the crap outta you, so you need to grow a pair of balls and not take his bullshit no for an answer".

"Jesus are all Canadian women this tough" 

Aliyah laughed and turned to walk in the building and without looking behind her said

"All women are this tough, we've had to be to put up with your sex and their silliness"

Niall smiled and thought " How is she only 16"

Entering the building Aaliyah entered the front door code and just breezed full force and walked past the doorman and then Aailyiah said good evening to Mark and he just nodded at her.

Settling in the elevator Aaliyah looked and outlined.

"Ill go in first, he expects that shit from me, then you follow, then I'll leave, seeing me first really will make it easier, I can't explain it, but it just will."

"OK, I trust you".

"Well I'm all you got at the moment". She giggled

"True". He acknowledged.

Standing in front of the door Niall was feeling anxious, not knowing the state he would find the boy. Aaliyah just sloted the key into the lock and opened, she breezed in and called out his name. Niall entered tentatively behind her, waiting by the entrance. He finally heard his voice.

"Aaliyah, honey is that you."

"Yes Brother " 

Niall then heard steps getting closer and watched as Aaliyah was pulled into a hug. He stared, watching discreetly as Shawn and Aaliyah hugged. No words were exchanged but Niall could tell they were communicating through the hug. It wasnt a tender hug it was an i need you hug. Niall felt as if he was intruding on a special moment. Then Aailyah pulled away and looked at Shawn and Shawn looked back. 

Thats when Niall felt Shawns brown eyes turn to him. No words were spoken a look of shock appeared in Shawns eyes and Niall immediately felt like Shawn was about to tell him to get out. But Shawn rushed to Naill, standing directly in front of him, looked deeply into his blue eyes and then hugged him harder than Niall had ever been hugged before. 

Niall whispered "Shawnie, I love...". but before he could say "you" Niall felt Shawn kiss him. 

"Im sorry Niall, forgive me" shawn cried out. Emotion now pouring out. 

"No sweetheart , you have nothing to apologise for"

"Okay you two" Aaliyah interjected, "This is where I leave ".

Shawn looked at Aaliyah and she smiled, then pushed Nialls bag close to him.

"So Shawn, the Irishman has no hotel reservation, Don't be a dick, let him stay here"

She kissed him quickly on the cheeck, then winked at Niall and walked out the door. 

"Your sister Scares me Shawn" Niall let out. 

"You dont know the half of it". 

Standing in the hallway now, staring at each other. 

"I'm Sorry I left like that Niall, it wasn't you, its never been you. The thing is I've been struggling with things for a long time now and I panicked.

"Shawn its ok"

"No Niall its not, I pushed you away and I haven't let you in. But I've been thinking more clearly these last few days, the only way it can get better is if i'm honest, get help and let you know when I'm overwhelmed.

Niall smiled at Shawn and nodded. "I didnt know how to help you cus you would let me"

"I know, it sometimes all gets too much for me you know, its not just one thing, its the fame, the pressure and if i'm being honest the guilt"

"Guilt ?" Naill questioned.

"I don't think I deserve all that I have, the fame and the money" shawn then looked at Niall , then looked away and said "You" .

"Oh shawnie, don't ever think that, i know we go off to a rocky start but were good now."

"I know" Shawn breathed but then quietly stated.

"The things I did that night were awful and I know you forgive me, i just don't forgive myself, its tearing me up inside, How could you love me after that".

"I could never not love you shawn" Niall confessed.

"I've got to learn to like myself"  
shawn spoke out quietly. He then shyly looked at Niall 

"Ill need a little time here, I've told Andrew to cancel my appearances for the next Month, and I can't go back to LA , I need to be here".

Niall nodded and pulled out his phone and made a call. Shawn looked on quizzically.

"Hi, its Niall, whats on my calendar the next month". Niall listened briefly then cut off the person on the other end.

"Cancel it, all of it....ill be in Toronto for the next month or so". Niall looked at Shawn and smiled. 

"What am I doing... taking care of my family." Niall then pressed end.

"You didnt have to do that, i know your work is important to you" Shawn said.

"Shawnie, listen to me, let me in, we can do this together, we're partners, you don't always need to be so self reliant and in control, lean on me and ill lean on you...OK?

Shawn moved closer to the Irishman and hugged him and with a devilish grin whisperd.

"OK... but it was presumptuous that I'd just let you stay here"

"Like you had a choice, your Canadain ass could never not help someone out in need"

"Oh is that what you are ? Someone in need?"

"All I need is you, its all ill ever need Shawnie"


	7. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall is surprised that his old band may get back together for 1 big show. But Shawn knows the real reason for the reunion and that it was all planned by Harry.

Shawn fidgits with his ring as he stands there processing what Niall is saying. He can feel the shame rise and quietly whispers. 

"I'm sorry, I've ruined your relationship with him". 

He then looks down hoping Niall can't detect the anguish etched on his face. 

"Non-sense, Harry and I did that all without you" admits Niall. 

Shawns pink hued face gives away his continued discomfort. He attempts a smile that he hopes hides his sadness, but knows it doesn't. 

"What are you going to do" shawn asks timidly. 

Niall is quiet, a concerned expression on his face and then speaks. 

"Not sure really, i mean its a great idea to get the boys back for one last time and Glastonbury is the premier concert all bands want to headline" 

Niall immediately detects Shawns discomfort so he walks up to him and tenderly wraps his arms around the taller boy and quietly breathes. 

"But i would never do anything that jeopardizes us" 

Shawn squeezes Niall tighter trying to hide his anxiety. 

"I'm sorry everything is so complicated, if I didn't try to cause a wedge between you and Harry things would be different". 

Niall feels Shawn tense up and quickly looks at his boy with a soft smile. 

"Shawnie, you need to stop putting all this pressure on yourself, It's not right. Harry and i did this to ourselves, before you came along, we ruined it, not you, you just got caught in the middle" 

Shawn lets out a small sigh and nods his head. 

"Anyways, its going to be a mine felid " Shawn admits . 

Niall gives a quick half smile then shakes his head and agrees. 

"Indeed" 

"Well, ill remain here if you decide to go ahead with it. It'll take some of the tension away" 

"No Shawnie, i want you there with me, and the rest of the boys will want to see you" 

"Niall, i love you but i am part of the problem, you don't need to spare my feelings. I'm not an innocent bystander, i know what I did." 

Niall arches his brow displaying a comforting look. His lips purse and he then breathes out. 

"You're right, you being there could cause problems, but i'm not going without you. So now we just have to find away to deal with the small matter that is Harry". 

Shawn laughs nervously and shoots Niall an exasperated look. 

"Small matter, fuck Niall, This is going to be a shitshow.....But i'll do it, I'll do anything for you. But you realise there is going to be retribution for what i've done" 

"Shawnie, no it will be..." 

"No Niall". Shawn cuts his boyfriend off . "Its ok, i can take it, but you can't protect me, i'm an adult and i did things that were wrong and i have to accept the consequences". 

"I'm sure everything will be fine". Niall says confidently to Shawn, But inside can't quite convince himself. 

As the weeks pass and the contracts are signed, Nialls headaches are getting worse. In theory he thought all this would be fine but now the reality of it all is quickly taking it's toll. They have plans to fly to the UK and rehershals begin in 2 weeks. He hasn't seen or talked to Harry since that awful night in Shawn's hotel room and wonder's what he will find when he enters the first rehershal. He thinks he should reach out to Harry and try and manage the situation. Reaching for his phone he finds the number and begins typing. It's a brief text asking Harry if there are things that need to be addressed before we come together as a band. Niall waits a bit but there is no return message. But knows Harry had read his text. 

As the days get closer, Niall's  
worry is rising, not so much for the showdown with Harry but for Shawn. He's watched his workouts become longer and his diet more strict. He knows it's his way to control things, that are getting too much for him. When Shawn can't manage whats happening around him, he focuses on his body, something he can control. The public doesn't know this part of him, the insecurity, the doubt. But Niall has witnessed it and at times is scared for his boy. He doesn't want him to get too lost. He decided he will speak to him and won't keep quiet like he has in the past. Keeping quiet lets it grow and Shawn has said he wants Niall to be able to be honest. 

Folding the last thing into his suitcase he hears Shawn enter the bedroom from the Shower, he looks at him, wrapped only a towel. This is it Niall thinks, where he has to say it. Quietly he whispers his name. 

"Shawn" 

"Yes Baby" Shawn answers . 

"I love you" Niall breathes gently. 

"But you're harming yourself. The food restriction and extra workouts i know your anxiety is in control, and it's scaring me, you haven't been like this for such a long time". 

Shawn blankley looks in Nialls direction and then instinctively looks down. He feels exsposed and dirty and crosses his arms. He's quiet for a bit, processing it all. He know's Nialls right but doesn't know how to respond. He tells himself he needs to be better, do better, let Niall in. He's getting lost in his thoughts again but hears his name, Niall is calling his name. Snappining out of it he looks back at Niall. 

"Yes, how did you know. " Shawn questions 

"Shawnie, i know when you're in pain and distress. You're my guy, i know your details. I know that your full face smile means you are truly happy and i know your half smile is you feigning interest and being kind when you'd rather be somewhere else. When you grab your St. Christopher metal and rub it your umcomfortable and it soothes you. And when you have extreme anxiety you bury it take it out on yourself and your body". 

"Oh... im sorry" 

Niall walks over to Shawn and uncrosses his boyfriend's arms. 

"Please don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong. It's going to be all right, ill be here with you. I know this situation is stressfull and i was thinking if you want to stay behind, then i will be ok" 

"No, no...i can do this Niall. You're right i've been, I don't know, lost maybe. It's not Harry really, i mean that's part of it but ....it's also facing the past and the person i was or probably still am. I wanted to hurt you and Harry. It won't leave my head at times. I can be cruel and calculating. I don't want to be that person....but it's part of me and i'm not sure how to make sense of it really" 

"Oh Shawnie, you're too hard on yourself. You're not a super hero, you're human". 

Shawn straightens his head and looks at Niall, thinking if he should say whats truly on his mind, let Niall in. He feels his face flush, he always masks his negative thoughts from Niall. Only show the good. He breathes in and decides to speak. 

"I'm not too hard on myself Niall"  
Shawn searches Nialls eyes as he speaks but continues. "I still have those thoughts, what i would do or could do if you or someone ever tried to hurt me". 

Shawn feels his body stiffen, he's clear and direct and his voice is now emotionless. "I'm not as nice as you think i am Niall, i'm afraid of my thoughts at times and what i would actually do. It a constant battle. I feel it bubble under the surface and it takes all i have not to react. To be honest I don't work out to be healthy, it's to release some of these thougts and feelings i have." 

Shawn can see Niall processing what he just said. The atmosphere in the room has changed. It's tinged with something, an uncertainty. 

"What do you mean Shawn".  
Inquires Niall, unsure what is happening. 

Shawn smirks out a tiny laugh.  
"You want an example... well you just called me Shawn, not Shawnie. You only call me Shawn when introducing me to people. But right now you're nervous and you're never nervous around me. But now you're probably thinking back to that night and how i planned it all. Your body looks tense and you might even be a bit scared. How am i doing ?" 

Niall stares at Shawn, like he's seeing a different person. The words coming out of his mouth are so calm and distant, he sees no emotion on Shawns face and he seems to be standing taller and more threatening. Niall doesn't know what to say. 

Shawn allows the silence to settle then Continues. "This is the inside me Niall, the things i feel and think... and now i'm scared because i just let you see the part of me i try keep hidden and now my mind is in overdrive wondering if you hate me or if you're scared of me." 

"Jesus Shawnie, I don't hate you, i just didn't know this part of you, because you're closed off at times, i'm glad you we're honest. These feelings aren't bad." 

Shawn's relaxes his expression and tries to smile. "The thing is, i'm not scared what Harry will do, I'm scared how I will respond". 

"What do you mean". Niall asks 

"Look at me Niall, i mean really look at me....what do you see?" 

"I see my kind, sweet Shawnie" 

"Of course, but for a split second, when i was talking before, I saw concern, maybe fear on your face. Because im also 6'2 and my body could do serious damage. The thing you're possibly afraid of is the same thing i'm afraid of, but i'm also more calculating than you think or are willing to admit. Niall, How do you think I became one of the biggest musicians in the world at 22....it's because I planned it, I planned it all...I figured out who and what could help me and I made it happen by whatever means possible. You've got to stop believing that i'm only ever good and kind" 

Niall shakes his head and   
Wants to change the topic. "You've got to stop thinking like that" 

Shawn sighs and then nods "Ok, I'm sorry, i wanted to be honest". 

Niall moves to hug Shawn and whipers "it'll all be alright, lets just go to bed". 

Shawn tosses and turns then looks at the alarm, it's only 3:45 am. Turning back he stares at Niall. Smiling, he likes watching Niall sleep. His mouth is slightly open and his shallow breathes make mutted snoring sounds. His mind lands on Harry again and his smile evaporates. He quietly gets out of bed and makes his way into the living room. The sparkling Toronto skyline never ceases to bring him joy. He will never sell this place, Niall thinks they should move permentaly to LA or London. He refuses to live fulltime in LA , its where he works, nothing more. He would agree to buy a joint place in London. But this is his home. He opens the glass door to his spacious patio, the heat of summer subdued by the cover of night. He decides what he has to do. 

Grabbing his phone he searches for the number. Its early morning there, but he'll answer when he sees who it is. Shawn doesn't doubt this.  
After the third ring he hears the familar English voice say his name sarcastically. "Shawnie" 

"I thought you would answer" shawn quietly states. 

"Oh Shawnie, so good to hear your voice" Harry lets sarcasticallly fall fom his mouth. 

Shawn is quiet for a brief moment then asks, "You were behind this reunion Harry, but I can't figure out why " 

Harry is enjoying the little back and forth. "Who, little ole me, i was just as surprised as the rest of the boys" 

Trying not to fall for Harry's game, Shawn pointedly asks. "You want something from me Harry, what is it." 

"Shawn, the world doesnt revolve around you" 

"This doesn't need to be a war" shawn dryly states. 

Harry snickers "How do you do it Shawn, the world sees this gentle, sweet and kindhearted guy, like your image is perfect. I think even Niall sees you like that, like you can do no wrong. But you and me, we're the same. You had me fooled too, thats were i made my fatal mistake." 

Shawn smirks ."You're right, my image has served me well. It's easier when people don't see you as a threat. People have always underestimated me. But like eveything there are always 2 sides, people choose to believe what they want to see" 

"Ah, there's the real Shawnie. You knew i couldn't let what you did go unpunished" 

"No, i knew when Niall first told me about the reunion, there was no doubt". 

"And of course you didn't tell Niall, always keeping your emotions hidden .....This game of chess is exciting, dont you think." 

"Exactly what do you want Harry" 

"Even now Shawn you're so controlled, you don't sound mad or frustrated, but I can tell you're quickly calculating your next move. Does Naill even know who you are" 

"I don't want Niall hurt, i've caused him too much already Harry. What do I have to do" 

"Oh Shawnie, thats too easy, clinical even, it's the game i'm enjoying, aren't you." 

"Im sure the humiliation you have planned for me will bring you joy, but just know if you hurt Niall in any way I'll let you see the real me" 

Harry lets the threat Shawn just spoke hang in the air. Then he states. 

"Well then, until we meet again" 

Then phone goes silent. Shawn takes the phone away from his ear and looks at the blank screen and spits out "fuck".


	8. The Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn finally figures out Harry's revenge. He has all the information that Harry has to destroy him, but it maybe too late to stop the destruction.

The flight to London had been been quick, but Niall wondered why Shawn was so withdrawn. After arriving at the apartment, he watched Shawn immediately drop the bags in the master bedroom then immediately excuse himself to take a shower. He couldn't quite place the feeling but Shawn seemed remote. 

Unpacking clothes into their wardrobes Niall wondered what was happening. He knew Shawn could close himself off from people, himself included. And if he was honest hide behind his public face, the one that always appeared so kind and outgoing. But he was always able to get through to him and get him to open up. Something seemed to be bothering him. This part of Shawn always confused him, there was a dycotomy Niall couldn't seem to understand. On one hand he was one of the most kind, gentle and giving humans he had ever known. And thats who he was most of the time. But their seemed to be a sorrow that lived just under the surface. And the thing that made Niall sad was that Shawn seemed to always try and contain it, not let it surface and not allow people to see and definately not let people help him. 

Hearing the wasroom door open Niall watched Shawn Lean seductively on the doorjam, draped in a barely there towel, his damp curls falling unrestrained in all directions. looking like a Greek god as his chiseled body glissened in the morning light that was peeking through the drapes. Niall sighs confused by Shawns mood change. Niall knows he's doing this on purpose, but is always awestruck how Shawn can change his demeanor so effortlessly, from closed to a beam of joy within seconds. 

"Take off your clothes". Shawn demands with a low husky voice. 

Niall detects the comand in his voice. This side of Shawn always excites him, but he knows its Shawns way to avoid difficult conversations. And Niall usually falls for it and he hates that he does. 

"Shawnie, are you okay". 

Shawn stares at Niall and smirks then lets his towel fall then purposely walks toward him. Niall loses focus, Shawns body always surprises him everytime he sees it, and the same thought always poppes in his head which is Shawn's body is built for sex. As his mind is thinking this, he unconciously says "Fuck" 

Shawn laughs and then purrs "Indeed". Then forcefully pushes into Niall and kisses him like he is his property. 

Hours later as they lay in bed. Shawn moves and wrappes his muscled arm around Nialls body. Opening his eyes he moves to Nialls ear and whispers. "Baby, its afternoon we got to get up or we'll be fucked with jetlag" 

He feels Nialls body convulse as he chuckes "You said that on purpose" 

"What" Shawn asks, knowing full well Niall's meaning 

"We'll be fucked", well one of us was" Niall sarcasticlly spits as he continues to laugh. 

Shawn squeezes Niall tighter and kissed his neck and breathes. "You definately were fucked and you're welcome " 

Niall grins and pushes out of Shawns embrace and quickly turns and kisses him. As their naked bodies melted into each orher, Niall knows Shawn is his person, they just fit, even through their are challenges, he knows no one could ever make him feel like this. 

"C'mon lets shower, eh" Shawn remarks as he gets up from the bed 

Niall looks up into Shawns eyes. "Ill never get over you always saying eh" 

Shawn shakes his head and reaches down and easily lifts Niall up in his arms ."I'm not having this conversation again you Irish leprecaun". He then carries Niall into the shower. 

As Niall dresess Shawn goes downstairs to the livingroom and reaches for his phone. He walks into the music room and closes the door.  
He finds the contact and hits send. 

"It's Shawn, do you have the information". Shawn listenes intently to the man on the other end of the line, after about 4 minutes he says. "No, don't send it via email. Currier it over to univeral music group C/O me at Island Records. Thank you" 

As shawn ends the call he hears Niall call his name. He quickly puts his phone in his jacket pocket and walks to the door and opens it and say "In the music room baby". 

Niall comes into view and ask. "You ready" 

Shawn poses in his tailored Givenchy suit and asks "You tell me". 

Niall drinks him in and rolls his eyes, then looks down at his clothes, which are more casual and spits out "Its not a fecking fashion show, its dinner at a pub" 

Shawn cackels and walks up to Niall and bends down and kisses his cheek. "I look amazing and just think how many people will be jealous of you with me on your arm" 

Niall smirks and arches an eyebrow and declares. "If thats our game unbutton two more buttons and show off the chest a bit more". 

Shawn does as he told and remarks "Whatever you wish baby". 

The next morning Niall turns to find Shawn dressing, putting on his workout clothes. Shawn turns to look at Niall and utters. "You have about 1/2 hour before you need to be up and your meeting is at 10 am. I'm heading to the gym and then going over to Universal, I have to see my UK Rep, but it won't take long, so maybe we can meet for a lunch" 

"You buying Shawnie" Niall moans out, still sleepy. 

"Well depends" Shawn voices "what do I get". 

Niall sits up and runs his hand through his hair, thinks for a second then replies "If you can find me some good Irish stew, you might get a blowjob in the restuarant toilet". 

Shawn shakes his head, not surprised by Nialls cheekiness. Then bends down kisses his forehead and mutters. "Deal, I won't be wearing underwear then". 

Shawn enters the offices of his UK record label and heads to reception and is about to say his name but before he gets it out the guy behind the desk blurts out "Holy fuck, you're Shawn Mendes". Immediately Shawn looks around and his shyness takes over. He keeps forgetting he's famous. He gently smiles at reception so the guy doesn't get embarressed for what he just blurted out. No need having two people feel like this. The man stares at Shawn and apologizes. "So, terribly sorry Mr. Mendes, its my first week and, well youre just so famous" 

"No, worries really. When I first met Taylor Swift i think i peed a little". 

This little joke seemed to ease the tension. Shawn asked him if he could ring office 625 and ask if a package arrived for him, if it had could it be brought down. The young man immediately rang the office and then spoke to someone. Shawn looked at his watch and it said 11:40 am. When he turned back the guy raised his thumb then hung up. 

"It'll be right down" 

"Thanks" shawn smiled. Then from behind him he heard his name in the all too familar Irish brogue. Turning he saw Niall walk up to him. 

"Hey Shawnie, ready for lunch" 

Shawn's face glowed at his boy. Then muttered. "Been waiting for Irish stew all morning". 

Niall's face burned pink, knowing it was a joke, but still couldn't control his shock at Shawn's braziness. Shawn quickly folded the envelope in half and pocketed it. 

Later that evening shawn sits in the music room having downed his second whiskey while Niall was at a meeting with his management. Finally getting the courage to open the envelope he scanned the information. It was an investigative report that sytematically detailed not only his movements the last year, but people he had met with in the last couple of years and several dozen pictures of himself and people he had met throughout his carrer with identifiers of who they were and their relationship or possible connection to himself. It also detailed who he possibly had sexual relations with, when and where. It was mostly speculation but it was comprehensive and pieced together to uncover any possible offense. Shawn sat emtionless scanning every page and finally realised how deeply Harry hated him. Harry had this investigation into him go deep. 

shawn wouldn't really of known about this unless he was contacted by his bank updating him that they had several requests from a firm trying to acquire informarion about him and his earnings through the American freedom of information act. Which the bank outlined did not apply as they are a Canadian bank. Shawn thought the invsetigators we not too bright, being Canada is not governed or controlled by the US. From there it was easy for him to hire his own people to find who was investigating him. Money talks and eventually the person was found, and even more money got names of holding companies and eventually who was behind it all. His investigators negotiated for a copy of the report they planned to give to Harry, and by negatiated, was threatend with million dollar lawsuits. The investigator wasnt hard to convince. 

There was nothing shocking in the report until he read the second to last page. There it was, a picture of himself and another musician which he hadn't known existed. But immediately his anxiety to rose as did the memories of that night. The picture itself was not unique, except for the notations about about the pic. Which shawn read. S.M. and Z.M. record company party, NYC, August 2016. Several witness reported they sat alone all night, engaged in conversation and did not speak to anyone else. Two party goers reported they seemed quite friendly and taken with each other. Another reported he witnessed them leave together in a taxi. Records that night report Mr. Mendes stayed at the V Hotel. Front desk can't recall Mr. Mendes's arrival that night. However after speaking with hotel secuirty was given access to security cameras footage that night. Both parties arrived at 1:17 am and at 9:23 am the next morning the party goer Z.M. left Mr. Mendes Hotel suite. Z.M. remained in the suite all night with Mr. Mendes. Activities are unknown, but other security footage from the elevator shows their hands touching while looking at each other. Pls see last page of stills from elevator and ZM leaving suite. Flipping the page, there it was. It was obvious, it was him and Zayn Malik. He now knew what Harry had on him. 

He sat there, not knowing what he felt. What he knew for sure  
was Harry wanted to destroy him, no he wanted Niall to leave him. His mind was having a hard time processing all this. This was one of the only things from his past he hid from Niall, and everyone else in his life, nobody knew. But he promised Zayn he wouldn't tell and he always keeps his word. But reading this now, he know's Niall won't understand why he did it. 

Thinking back, it was innocent. Arriving at that party alone that night, he was a fish out of water. His manager was suppose to be there but something came up. He wanted to cancel but was convinved to go. He didn't really like industry parties. He always felt lonely in crowds like this. The alcohol helped his courage. But when he got there he cowered in the coner, like always. Everyone seemed so confident. He was the odd man out. Thats when he saw Zayn Malik leaned up against the opposite wall, he seemed more uncomfortable than him. He had never met him before. He had just met Niall for the first time recently. But there stood another member, or ex member of One Direction. He was actually starstruck. Thats when their eyes met and Zayn smiled and gave a small wave. Then Zayn made his way over and introduced himself. And that was it, they sat there the entire night talking, talking comfort in each other really. Both realised they didn't belong there and Shawn felt an immediate connection to him. He was quiet, awkward, introverted and extremely shy. They were the same, 2 lost boys who shared a similar life experience. Its funny Shawn thought, how did he and Zayn become famous, both were so obviously uncomfortable with the spotlight. 

Shaking his head he smiled thinking about it, Zayn was so nice to him, he treated him like an equal even though he was 18. He spoke to him like a peer and was so very kind. It wasn't planned or sordid, they connected, they were both so loney, so they took refuge in each other for one night. 

But now Harry has uncovered it and plans to make it dirty. And because he kept his word not tell anyone, Niall won't understand. So this whole reunion is meant to break him. And even now he is thinking what he needs to do to protect Zayn, he gave his word and now his actions will cause hurt. His head is spinning, playing possible scenarios in his head how to deal with this. He can't figure out exactly what Harry will do, but thinks Harry's the type to be dramatic. Grabbing his phone he looks at his schedule. Then he sees it, the group party after the concert. A small intimate get together of the band and partners. Thats it Shawn thinks, thats where he plans to make a Grand announcement and expose the truth. He wants an audience, he wants the humilation to be on an epic scale and wants to direct the scene. He's willing to hurt Niall and zayn to make sure I pay. 

Standing up he walks over to the mini bar and pours another whiskey. As the amber liquid makes its way down his throat he's unsure of his next move. It was just one night and he and Zayn's paths haven't crossed since. Realizing there is no move, he's lost. Harry has the information and Niall will get it one way or another. Even if he's not at the party Harry will be dissapointed not to do it publically, but Niall will be made aware. 

Shawn takes another drink then sits at the piano. He looks down at the rings that paint his fingers, then let out a sigh. The voices in his head are loud and he pounds at the keys angrily until his breathing settles and then fueled by instinct starts somberley playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. The sadness of the classical movement fills the room and Shawn. He hadn't noticed he was crying until he saw a tear fall on his hand. 

The creak of the door opening alerts him Niall is hehind him. He continues to play, the air in the room now fills with tension but he continues to play without acknowleging Niall. The piano notes sound sadder and sadder. 

"Shawnie, are you ok" Niall whispers. 

Shawn ignores the question as his mind feels like it will explode. As his fingers continue to play he somberley asks " Do you love me Niall" letting the desperate question hang in the air. 

"Of course baby" Niall answers as he makes his way around the piano to look at Shawn. He sees the emotions stained on Shawns face, he immediately knows something is wrong, terribly wrong. 

Shawn cocks his head to look directly in Nialls eyes, while still playing. "Do you think you could ever hate me ". 

"Of course not....Shawnie whats going on". Niall asks nervously. 

Shawn punches at the keys and looks away from Niall and immediately stops. Quietly he sits there averting his gaze from Niall. Shawn rises and then stares at Niall then slowly walks past him and hears Niall call his name "Shawn". 

Shawn walks over to the book shelf and reaches for the investigative report. He walks back and stands infront of Niall and timidly hands it over to him. 

"Whats this " 

"Read it" Shawn Sighs. Then begins to walk out of the music room. Stopping just before he leave he doesn't turn to look at Niall but thinks for a second. Finally without turning Shawn says "Just know, i'll always love you". Then he closes the door behind him.


	9. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn finally breaks and lets Niall in, he needs help, he needs to let go.

Niall sat in the chair feeling broken, trying to piece this altogther. When he first read it he experienced such anger and betrayal. That slowly moved to asking himself why hadn't Shawn told him about this, he deserved to know that he and Zayn fucked. He wanted to scream, yell and make Shawn pay. But after the anger subsided he wondered where the report came from. He didn't understand, why was it made, who was behind it. His mind began to think clearer and then was able to settle on who it was. He finally realised it had to be Harry. Then he discerned Shawn figured this all out and discovered Harry was out to hurt him. Its why he's been withdrawn recently. Niall worked out Shawn had gotten the report somehow and had been sitting with this and not sure what to do but decided to give it to Niall, to confess. Of course he did Niall thought, Shawn wouldn't want him to be humilated, which now he understood is what Harry wanted. Shawn would rather destroy himself that intentionally harm him. It didn't take away the feeling of betrayal knowing about Zayn. Logically he knew he didnt have a right to an opinion to who Shawn was or who he had sex with before he was with him. But this wasn't anyone and Shawn kept a secret that truly hurt. 

Rising up he feels his life is in pieces. He needs to talk to Shawn, and from experience knows that this is something shawn will bury inside. He won't let people in and close himself off. 

As he walks out of the music room he searches the bottom floor but knows instinctively Shawn wont be here. As he acends the stairs he catches light coming from the master bedroom. As he walks closer he sees him, facing the other away and Niall finally sees the scene dislpayed before him. Shawn's packing, He had already decided he had to go, he was running away again. 

Niall stops and watches his boy for a second and wonders how he keeps all his pain inside like this. He must of known for a while and still he kept it hidden. What was it, Niall thought, what is the sadness that Shawn can't shake, why does he hide behind these walls, why won't we he let people in. 

"Are you leaving me Shawnie". Niall questions calmly. 

Shawn stops and doesn't move, not turning, quietly whispers "I thought i'd save us some time and you the pain". 

"So thats it, you just leave and what then". 

"Niall" shawn mutters, then faces Niall. "I know how this story ends and I can accept that you hate me, i just don't want to you hurt you further". 

"So, I don't get a say in us, I just get a document with pictures and accusations and a see you later." 

"Its better this way" Shawn sighs 

"You're a coward Shawn, you hide behind that perfect smile" 

Shawn turns back to his suitcase and zips it up and places it on the floor. "You're right" He remarks, sounding detached. 

Fuck Niall thinks, shawns is disconnected and building more walls. In a moment of anger Niall throws the dossier on the bed and spits out. "Don't forget this then." 

Shawn turns back to gaze at Niall, then a smug smile forms on his face. "Keep it, so you always know what type of person I am". He hoists the suitcase and moves toward the door. 

Nialls rage surfaces at Shawns dismissive attitude, he knows Shawn doesn't mean it, but he can't contain his reaction and angrily pushes Shawn up against the wall before he can pass. 

They stare at each other like advesaries and Niall wants to be let in, he can see his pain. But Niall's hurt erupts instead and he attacks. "What... you're in a hurry to fuck the rest of my mates in One Direction". As soon as he uttered it he felt nausead, he was spiteful and didn't mean it. Shawn's face immediately registers shame and discomfort. Niall watches his light vanish, he looks broken. Shawns eyes fall to the ground, he finally declares. "I'm no good Niall, i've only ever caused you pain, please let me go, really it's for the best". 

Niall examines him and finally realises thats it, Shawn doesn't think he's good enough to love. Niall releases his grip and backs away. They both continue to stare into each others eyes. 

"I'm sorry i said that Shawn, i'm so confused" 

"Its okay, I deserve it, im sorry i wasn't better" 

"Jesus Shawn, at least pretend to fight for us". 

"Don't you get it Niall, I'm broken and will always cause you pain, you deserve so much more than me". 

"No" Niall yells "Thats too easy, you always run, when things get diffucult or uncomfortable, instead of dealing with them, you hide, i won't let you this time, i deserve that" 

Shawns shoulders slump, he can feel emotion rise, he doesn't like this, its too much. 

"Please Niall, its better if you just hate me" 

"Thats just it Shawn, i could never hate you, even after you freeze me out, hide your feelings, I know behind it all you're just scared like the rest of us. I read it, and was mad and angry and didn't understsnd, but that doesn't mean anything other than i need time to process and feel it then talk about it to understand" 

Shawn shakes his head and shouts. "He's never going to give up you know. It will always be like this" 

"I don't care about Harry, he can try all he likes. Its you Shawn, when will you realise that its you i love and can't do without" 

Shawn closes his eyes, a pained expression forms, slowly he slides to the ground and sits against the wall, he's tired of keeping everything in. He regains some composure and then watches Niall sit back, both exhausted from this emtionalal rollercoaster. The silence settles, then Shawn just begings talking, quietly, like he reciting a passage from a novel. 

"I was 17 or 18 when I reslised I was anxious about everything. My life had become a blur and I didn't really know what happened, how it got to where it did. I was just a kid singing in my bedroom, that was it, there was no plan, no desire to be famous, just to sing. It all moved so fast, so fucking fast. I didn't know how to be me anymore. One day i woke up and I was this thing. It fucked my with my head, it still does......the people screaming, wanting things from me, things i didn't want to give them. I don't think i'm built for fame, i miss the person i was. So, i pushed it all down and focused on being the best, i'd practice guitar, piano and singing for hours upon hours each day. The more I worked the more i was able to avoid my feelings, only problem was i became more famous so that just caused more problems". 

Shawn stops and looks up to see Niall listening, hoping he's not judging him, then continues. 

"Its a real thing for me to feel alone in a group of people, i'm not sure why that is but there you have it. So one night when i was feeling particularly friendless and isolated. I was forced to go to a party. I had no one there as a support, I was 18 or 19 in NYC, contrary to popular belief the US and Canada are not the same, I always feel ill at ease there. And particularly on this night I felt like an animal on display at a Zoo. I was no longer a person but an object to be stared at. But as fate would have it i saw Zayn there with the same expression on his face and fear in his eyes. It was a year or so after he left you guys. He seemed out of place, i think he recognised that in me too. I saw myself in him, it scared me because we were the same. He felt as lost as I did. After hours of talking at the party we let our guards down and took solace in each other. It wasn't a plan or a quick fuck, it was that we knew the pain each other had been dealing with and we understood it would always be like this. He asked me to keep it between us. I knew why, because everyhting we do has some judgement attached, everyone has an opinon. He wasn't ashamed of it, of us, he just wanted something for himself and so did I, and then later when when you and i became, whatever we were, you brought me out of my shell and I wanted to tell you, but then we emploded and i moved to protect myself and i guess i shut myself off. Then last year we finally got us back, by that time Zayn was just a memory but it ate me up inside. I felt i was being dishonest, but i gave my word. It wasn't kept to hurt you or keep you from knowing, it was just a little part of me that was mine that no one could judge...it was one night, nothing more and we've never seen one another since". 

Shawn finished speaking, then sat silently looking down waiting for Niall to speak, to say anything. He wasn't sure what he expected to happen, maybe Niall would call him a liar or other things, awful things. He waited but still he heard nothing, afraid to look at Niall he crossed his arms to proctect himself at what was surley to come. This couldn't be good he thought. Then he heard the bed creak and then saw a shadow. Then felt the heat of Nialls body as he sat next to him on the floor. He slowly turned his head to look at Niall who was mere centimeters from him. He saw the sadness in Nialls eyes. Niall wrapped his arm around him trying to give comfort. 

"Why have you never told me about this, the way you feel about fame, how it eats at you. I never see this part of you, you're always so outgoing and spend hours with fans" 

"Becuase Its wrong to feel this way, ungrateful, i have so much and others have so little, i just need to be better" 

"Shawn Having these feelings doesn't make you a bad person, you've got to give yourself a break" 

Shawns sits silently not speaking, thinking that Niall is just being kind and waiting for the "But". The waiting is excrutiating, so he looks at Niall and gives a broken smile and whispers. 

"You don't need to be nice to me Niall, i kept secrets from you, information you should have had. And now it will all come out. I don't care about me, Harry can do whatever he wants to me but i didnt mean to hurt you and Zayn, i'm sorry" 

Niall reaches up and gently pushes the curls that had fallen on Shawns forhead and Shawns eyes close. 

"Listen to me Shawnie, really hear me, you didn't do anything wrong. Yes... i am hurt and yes probably a bit jealous but i'll get over that. You were keeping your word and i respect that, but please let me in, i see you sometimes and it looks like you're drowning, i just want to help" 

Shawns eyes fall on Niall again and his smile is still unsure. "Its hard, i don't know who i am anymore so I keep these feelings buried. I don't want to be a burden." 

Niall kisses Shawns head then asks "How long have you known about what Harry was planning" 

Shawn feels the anxiety rise in his stomach and he moves slightly. He looks away from Niall who he can tell is intently staring. He's not sure if he should say it, his mind races, then he chatises himself, be honest, let Niall in. He looks up. "I knew as soon as you got off the phone about the band possibly playing one last concert a couple months ago" 

Nialls face registers shock. "What do you mean". he questions. 

"Instinctively i knew the reunion was Harry seeking retaliation, I can't tell how, but i understand the way he thinks. And If i'm honest, we're similar ...From there it was figuring out how, then a series of events allowed me to uncover he was having me investigated and i was able to obtain a copy. By the end i was so tired, I knew if I played his game it would only push him on and more people would get hurt. And I've done so much damage to you and us, I just needed it to stop. So, when you arrived back tonight and looked into my eyes I knew it had to end, even if it meant you leaving me". 

"Right" Niall nods "So all this time you've been dealing with this by yourself, waiting for something to happen, thinking I would hate you....i knew something was happening, you were so withdrawn and distant at times. And when I tried to figure it out, you would turn on the charm and I'd get confused....You still don't trust me fully Shawn" 

Shawn shakes his head. "No Niall I do...I just ...I guess I'm not sure how to let people in. For so long, i've been trying to be what everbody wants me to be, and it was easier to keep my pain hidden so i wouldn't bother anyone....i'm sorry" 

Niall turns again to look at shawn. "I'll never give up on you Shawn, you're my guy, but there will be times we'll argue and fight, and things may not always be easy but it won't work if were not open and honest with each other" 

Shawn sighs "It's hard for me Niall, I can't promise i won't fuck up again, but i can promise to try as hard as I can". 

Niall leans in and connects his head to Shawns then a tiny laugh escapes and he says. "Did you really think I'd let you go that easy". 

"I'm glad you didn't..... but I need to speak to Zayn and tell him before Harry goes through with whatever he has planned." 

"You won't need to do that" Niall outlines. "Harry's not the only one with information that is ....lets just say delicate". 

Shawn looks at Niall in amazement then questions. "What... do you mean" 

Niall rises and walks and grabs his phone off the bedside table and searches his contacts. As he presses send he lovingly smiles at a confused Shawn. 

"Harold, how are you" Niall asks sarcastically. "I've just read the report your invesrigator had compiled, a very interesting read". Niall is silent, presumably allowng Harry to speak, But Shawn can tell Niall is enjoying this, whatever this is. "You know I love you Haz, but you're insinuating yourself in my relationship with Shawn, and I can't let you do that". again Niall goes quiet and then a few seconds later Niall smiles. "Harry I was just thinking, do you remember Germany". Niall is again silent. This one sided onversation is confusing Shawn. But then there is something about Nialls demeanor that intigues him, He can't place it, it's like he's seeing an in charge and confident Niall. But Niall is usually more lose, he's more one of the boys Niall, friendly and let it roll off your back. Niall looks at Shawn while still holding his phone. "I'm glad we understand each other Harry.....and don't think for one munute i won't hesitate to make that information public". Niall then immediately hangs up and makes his way back to Shawn. 

Shawn looks on in surprise and asks "What the hell was that" 

"My dear Shawnie that was blackmail....Harry, like the rest of us have some skeletons in our closet...his just happen to be on video with one of his best friends husbands. It would be a pity to break up a marriage and cause damage to a flourishing music career" 

"Jesus Niall, you wouldn't do that would you" 

Nialls gets serious as he looks Shawn straight in the eye, and with a hint of a smile notes. "Shawnie, nobody is causing you harm, i will do whatever neccessary to make sure of that". 

Shawn wraps his arms around Niall and whispers in his ear. "I love you Niall Horan". 

"Is it my pretty eyes" Niall jokes. 

"Nah". Shawn comments "its mostly that killer ass". 

Niall's face breaks into huge grin, then professes. "I'll take it". He gently grabs Shawn head and brings him close and for a moment, they gaze into each others eyes, no words are spoken. He then leans in and tenderley kisses shawn


End file.
